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7 Common Relationship Pitfalls: Are You Using These 7 Losing Strategies?

Hello, Warriors! Relationships can be one of the most rewarding parts of our lives—and one of the most challenging. Whether it’s with your partner, kids, friends, or parents, certain patterns can sneak into our interactions and cause unnecessary stress and drama. 

This week on The Love Your Life Show, I’m putting on my relationship coach hat to share seven common “losing strategies” that can create distance and disconnection. These strategies are drawn from the work of relationship experts like Terry Real, Jennifer Finlayson-Fife, and the Gottmans. I use variations of these over and over in my private coaching practice and think learning about them could really help you. If you’re feeling stuck, resentful, or misunderstood in any of your relationships, this episode is for you!

Let’s explore these seven losing strategies together, not to shame ourselves, but to create awareness and open the door to positive change. After all, once we can spot these behaviors, we can begin replacing them with strategies that bring more connection, ease, and understanding into our lives. Ready to dive in?

Losing Strategy #1: Needing to Be Right

This one is a biggie. Have you ever felt that irresistible urge to prove your point and explain, over and over, why you’re right? While it might feel good in the moment, prioritizing being “right” over being in relationship often leads to defensiveness and disconnect. In healthy relationships, connection matters more than competition. 

Start noticing when you feel tight-chested and justified in your “rightness.” Ask yourself, “Would I rather be right, or would I rather feel close to this person?”

Losing Strategy  #2: Controlling Your Partner

Control is sneaky—it often feels like we’re just being helpful, but it can leave others feeling criticized or belittled. For example, have you ever asked someone to do something, only to swoop in and redo it “the right way”? Whether it’s micromanaging how your partner loads the dishwasher or critiquing how your child completes a task, controlling behavior sends the message, “I don’t trust you to handle this.” 

Step back, Warriors. Let others learn and grow, even if it means the dishwasher isn’t loaded perfectly (gasp!)

Losing Strategy  #3: Unbridled Self-Expression

There’s a fine line between venting and mindful communication. While expressing our emotions is essential, unfiltered “emotional vomit” can push people away rather than bring them closer. If you find yourself bottling up feelings until they come rushing out in frustration, take a breath. Practice sharing your emotions in a way that’s thoughtful and constructive—it’s a game-changer for connection.

Losing Strategy  #4: Retaliation

Retaliation often shows up in subtle ways: a snarky comment, silent treatment, or withholding affection. While these actions may feel like a form of self-protection, they ultimately harm the relationship. 

How about, instead of retaliating when you feel hurt, try addressing your feelings directly and vulnerably. It’s not easy, but it creates the kind of safety and trust that leads to deeper intimacy. I teach how to do this in real life in the Love Your Life School. I’d love for you to join!

Losing Strategy  #5: Withdrawal

Withdrawal can be physical or emotional, and it’s often a protective mechanism we use when we feel overwhelmed. Whether it’s retreating to your office or emotionally shutting down, withdrawal creates distance and leaves others feeling isolated. 

Healthy relationships thrive on open communication. Instead of withdrawing, practice taking intentional breaks and returning to the conversation with clarity and compassion.

Losing Strategy #6: Keeping Score

Keeping track of every chore, favor, or misstep in a relationship is a recipe for resentment. For me, I used to do this as if there was some invisible judge watching my relationship who would tell us at the end of the day: “Yep, Susie won!”

Relationships aren’t competitions—they’re partnerships. Shifting from “me vs. them” to a mindset of collaboration can transform the dynamic. Ask yourself, “Am I keeping score because I feel unappreciated or unheard?” Then, focus on communicating your needs instead of tallying points. Granted this is hard to do. Schedule a coaching with me so I can help you get started.

Losing Strategy #7: Playing the Victim

When we blame others for our feelings or circumstances, we give away our power. Playing the victim often comes with a side of self-righteousness—“Of course I feel this way because they did X.” But this mindset keeps us stuck. 

Instead, take ownership of your responses and actions. While responsibility can feel vulnerable, it is the path to connection. How can you show up in a way that aligns with your values, regardless of what’s happening around you?

Ready for the Shift?

These losing strategies are common because they’re human, Warriors. But they don’t have to define your relationships. Start noticing where these patterns show up in your life, and give yourself grace as you begin to shift toward winning strategies. 

Want to dive deeper? Join me in the Love Your Life School or book a coaching session to learn how to create the connection and ease you deserve. Let’s move toward relationships that feel light, loving, and full of possibility!