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Setting Boundaries with Our Kids (Our Most Important Work as Parents)

Let’s talk about something that’s hard but necessary: Setting (and holding) boundaries. As part of our human development and mental health, we need to go through a developmental stage of differentiating. The easiest way to go through this stage is for us to be raised in a house where there are guidelines for us to follow with emotionally-regulated adults that hold us to keeping those boundaries.

And yet, guess how many of us have gone through this stage? The majority of adults have not. It is why Mel Robbins says most of us are walking as emotional 8-year olds. Which is why I’m so excited to bring you this episode of the Love Your Life Show.  While our parents didn’t have the knowledge as to how to support our kids in this, by listening to episodes like this and belonging to further education groups like the Love Your Life School, you and your kids will be different!

Why Boundaries Are Love in Action

After we meet our children’s basic needs—food, shelter, safety—the most loving thing we can give them is boundaries.

Boundaries show our kids:

• “You can trust me. If I say we’re going to start doing something, we’ll start doing something”
• “You’re not in charge here…and that’s a good thing.”
• “I will keep you safe, even when you don’t like the rules.”

Setting and holding boundaries is not about controlling them. Rather, it’s about creating security, clarity, and emotional safety. Boundaries, especially the ones your kids disagree with, are love in action.

Two Beliefs That Make Boundaries So Much Harder for Parents

Let’s get two big myths out of the way that I see holding parents back over and over again:

1. “I should only have to say it once.”

Oh if only! But no. Your child will push back. In fact, they’re supposed to. It doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. Rather it means they’re learning life has guidelines and operating principles and they need you to hold those edges consistently.

2. “They should agree with me.”

Again, sorry! They’re not going to clap and thank you for turning off the Wi-Fi. They’re not going to say “I get it. Having a bedtime as a junior will help me.” Please stop explaining yourself and waiting for your child to give you the permission to act like an adult. That’s not their job. They’re the kid. Let them act like a kid. Work in the Love Your Life School on your own ability to self regulate when your kid disagrees with you.  Your job isn’t to get their approval. It’s to give them structure so they can form healthy attachment and to move through this stage of development.

How We Do It? The Three-Step Boundary Process

Setting a boundary is a skill that many of us didn’t learn. If any of us learned to people please for approval when we were younger, setting boundaries with those close to us will feel hard. Which is why I love helping peopl make this a simple skill to learn so we can get to work practicing it and breaking generational patterns.  Here’s the process I teach (and live):

Step 1: Say the Boundary

Be clear, calm and direct. The less words the better. This is not the time for a lecture or to over explain. Bonus points if you can be calm and use direct conversation.

Here are some examples of boundaries I’ve had over the years:

• “Phones get plugged in downstairs when we’re sleeping.”
• “Return all dishes to the kitchen at night”
• “Bedtime is at 11 PM.”
• “Bring the kitchen trash outside each night”

Step one is state it. Calmly. Clearly. Think: the less words the better. Please don’t lecture. And remember, please don’t look for them to agree. Keep it simple. Clear is kind. 

And then get ready because your next step? 

It’s to feel the discomfort! Holding a boundary with someone we love will feel uncomfortable at first.

Step 2: Feel the Discomfort

This is the part where most of us back down.

We set the rule… then comes the push back, the eye rolls, the slammed doors, the disagreeing. And yet persevere! I promise it gets easier. You get better at feeling discomfort and they start arguing so much because they begin to trust that you follow through with what you say.

*As a side note, this is where individual coaching helps a lot. Having a coach makes this so much easier! It was so helpful for me to have a coach who was trained in parenting and skilled in emotional regulation to help me do what my kids needed from me.  A professional reminding you that just because it feels hard doesn’t mean you’re doing the “wrong” thing. Nine times out of ten you’re not. It’s more that our nervous system is reacting because (1) we’re uncomfortable when people disagree with us and (2) it’s really hard for us to see Feeling uncomfortable doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It means you’re growing. Further, it means you’re parenting intentionally and intelligently. Not being driven by your past programming to do what’s easy. Rather, you’re acting like an adult and taking the steps to raise a more confident, resilient human. Thank you!

Boundary Setting with Our Kids Step 3: Stay Consistent

Hold your boundary mama! This is where trust with you is built. This is how safety is built. They may not like it but they crave knowing their limits.
Your kid doesn’t need to feel happy all the time. We want our kids to practice feeling frustration. We want them to practice not getting what they want and handling themselves in an appropriate way. In doing so we are teaching self regulation and building their emotional intelligence.

Our kids need us to be consistent with whatever boundary we set. When you say one thing and do another, it confuses them. When you stay consistent with the guideline, they feel safe. It builds trust.

You will have to repeat the boundary. You will be a witness to their frustration. 

Not only is that okay, it’s normal. Let them. And then let you remember that your job as a parent is to raise a future adult. You’re an adult, learn to self regulate when it feels hard (because it will!) And to surround yourself with people who support you in seeing that you’re capable of feeling uncomfortable in the moment for the greater good of the future. Short term discomfort for long term gain – the gain is raising an adult who can self regulate when they don’t get what they want, who has confidence in their ability with following through with guidelines and who has less anxiety in relationships because when you say you’re going to do something, they can trust you to do it. Especially when it’s in their best interest. 

True Warrior Work:

Thank you for reading articles like this, listening to podcasts like this and continuing to build on your learning and self education. Holding boundaries with our kids is some of the bravest, most uncomfortable work we do as parents and I hope you get support to make it easier for you. We weren’t meant to do this alone. I have decades of experience and education and still have a coach to help me continue to evolve and be my best self. If you don’t have a coach yet, I’d love to be yours! Check to see if I have an opening in my schedule. I’d be honored to support you. For you and for our kids.

Want more support?

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