Why Relationships Feel Draining and How to Bring the Peace Back (Part 2)

If you caught last week’s episode of the Love Your Life Show, you know we explored the purpose of relationships. As a mom, wife, certified relationship coach and teacher, I view relationships as having two main points: to teach us to learn to love another imperfect human and to push us to learn about ourselves and our own imperfections. As Jennifer Finlayson-Fife so expertly says, they’re self development incubators!

This week, we’re taking that foundation and adding in the “how.” Because knowing what relationships are for is one thing… living it out without losing your peace? That’s the next level.

3 Relationship Tools that Actually Work:

Today I’m sharing three of my most effective, real-world relationship tools to help you bring calm, connection, and clarity back into your most important relationships. Whether it’s with your partner, your kids, your parents, or your coworkers, these skills can truly change everything.

Firstly, The Three Circles of Communication

One of my favorite relationship tools comes from Charles Duhigg’s book Supercommunicators, and I use it multiple times a day. Seriously, as a wife, a mom, a friend, you name it, I consistently return to these three circles. So what are they and how can you use this helpful relationship tool too?

Imagine that when a person begins communicating with you, they are standing in one of three circles. They are either in the Functional, the Social, or the Emotional Circle. It’s your job to figure out which circle they’re in and to meet them there. I give plenty of examples and a deeper description of what each circle is in this episode of the Love Your Life Show, so be sure to catch that.

In essence, here are the three. Someone is standing in the:

• Functional Circle when they are looking for solutions and brainstorming.
• Emotional Circle when they’re expressing feelings or needing empathy
• Social Circle when they’re talking about something to connect with you on a social level.

The skill here is to slow down enough to notice which circle the other person is speaking from before you respond.

Relationship Trouble:

We often get into relationship trouble when we respond from a different circle than the one the other person is in. For example, if my husband says, “I’m dreading my day today. There’s nothing I’m looking forward to,” he’s standing in the emotional circle. But my instinct is to jump into the functional circle and try to fix it: “You could go to the driving range!” or “Let’s take a walk at lunch.” When I do that, he doesn’t feel heard, and I end up carrying emotional responsibility that isn’t mine. Have you been there? That’s when we feel resentment, exhaustion, or that “why does everything fall on me?” feeling. The more we practice listening from the same circle, the more connected and peaceful our relationships become. Try it this week: notice which circle the other person is speaking from…and to take a breath before you respond. That one pause can change everything.

Secondly, Active Listening

When someone talks, are you truly listening or just waiting for your turn to speak? If you’re most of us or haven’t taken the active listening class in the Love Your Life School, you’re probably listening for one of three reasons:

• waiting to respond and “tell your side”,
• thinking about that magical advice you’re about to give (that they aren’t asking for), or 
• judging what the other person is saying and looking for all the gaps in logic that you can point out.

Overall, not what we talk about when we say relationship. That’s more of a lecture. Relationships are all about relating. Listening and learning about that other person. This skill is to listen with the intent to understand. Since it’s a safe relationship, you don’t have to be on the defensive. Rather, you can sit back, turn up your hearing power, and direct your brain to try to understand what this other person is thinking and feeling. You’re not judging whether what they’re thinking is right or wrong. You’re listening with the intent to respond. For a whole podcast episode on this and things to say, tune in here on Apple and here on Spotify.  This active listening episode is one of my top downloads!

Thirdly, Clog or Clear

This is a technique to use to practice mindful and nonviolent communication. Think of a sink’s faucet and the drain. In a healthy relationship, the drain is clear and the water can run through it. 

To practice this, before you speak bring to mind that drain and ask yourself: “Is what I’m about to say going to clog or clear this drain?” It’s a quick self-check to help you stay in your adult, emotionally mature self. Consider: what’s the point of what I’m about to say? Will this help or harm the relationship and this person I care about?  Am I trying to connect or to control? To be right or to be kind?

Everything we say either clogs or clears connection. Snapping, correcting, or criticizing is a clog. Speaking honestly with love or curiosity can be clear. Next time you’re tempted to react, try asking yourself this first.

Resources:

Listen to the full episode of The Love Your Life Show titled Why Relationships Feel Draining and How to Bring the Peace Back wherever you get your podcasts. Let’s make this holiday season the one where you finally feel grounded, connected, and at peace.

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