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Healing After Narcissistic Relationships: Steps to Recovery
If you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist or were raised by an emotionally immature parent, it takes a toll. In Part One of this Narcissist Recovery Series on the Love Your Life Show, I talked about three common patterns I’ve noticed in myself and in others:
- Hypervigilance and people-pleasing
- Self Doubt and low confidence
- Emotional reactivity or detachment
If those sound familiar, please know: you’re not broken. These are normal survival responses. And the good news? You can heal.
In today’s post and episode of the Love Your Life Show, I’ll share some of the most helpful strategies in narcissistic abuse recovery. These tips are also excellent if you’re the adult child of emotionally immature parents or ACA.
My Personal Recommendation for you:
I will briefly describe different ways we can heal from the three behaviors in this post yet I strongly recommend you listen to these two podcast episodes. I give more details about the way to heal and also share personal stories and examples. A big piece of healing is learning you’re not alone, the way you’re feeling isn’t strange or “wrong”, and learning many different strategies to find the one that works for you. This post is a super brief overview. Please give yourself the gift of listening to the full episode (and if you’re reading this past October 2025 and can’t find episodes 374 or 375, email me at Support@SMBWell.com).
Healing Tools to Break Free from Narcissistic Abuse
- Healing Goal 1: Calming Hypervigilance & People Pleasing
Because of our past relationships, we develop an acute sensitivity to others’ moods and needs. We often become hypervigilant; constantly scanning for signs of disapproval or anger and tend to people please.
Yet, the goal isn’t to turn off this sensitivity. In healthy, interdependent relationships, that’s what fosters closeness and connection. Rather, it’s to learn how to do it in a non-codependent or enmeshed way.
How do we stop being hypervigilant and people pleasers?
We need to learn to calm our nervous system ourselves. Without this awareness, we’ll continue to try to get the other people to calm their nervous systems or to emotionally regulate so we can feel better. That’s a really long way around (not to mention, out of our control!). The empowering step is to learn how to signal safety to your own nervous system no matter what emotions or experiences people are having around us. I give some great examples in this week’s episode and there’s a whole training on self soothing in the Love Your Life School. doubt ourselves. Healing from gaslighting, enmeshment, and codependency starts with learning to know yourself. What do you want? What do you need?
In the past, we had to pay more attention to what others wanted and needed. And so we learned at best, to ignore our needs and wants, at worst, doubt them. Which is why in the present day, you may have a hard time making decisions, having an opinion others disagree with, or feel deeply uncomfortable when you feel misunderstood. You’re not alone.
How do we start to trust ourselves and feel more confident?
As I explain in more depth in the podcast episode, I like focusing on two things: getting to know ourselves and getting comfortable making mistakes. We get to get to know ourselves. Most of us don’t even know us. We have shut that voice down for so long that we can’t even hear it anymore.
Furthermore, many of us got into trouble or our environments weren’t safe if we were “wrong”. Practice making small decisions faster. I give specifics on which small decisions I suggest my clients make on the Love Your Life Show. Essentially, we want you to realize you have the authority to make decisions in your life and it’s okay to make mistakes. I hope you listen and practice. This was huge for me!
- Healing Goal 2: Rebuild Self-Trust
Narcissistic relationships and emotionally immature parents train us to doubt our memory, feelings, and judgments. Even after leaving the relationship, we usually:
- Second-guess decisions
- Reread emails repeatedly before sending
- Overexplain or over defend our choices.
- Difficulty Trusting Your Own Perceptions
These behaviors aren’t weaknesses. In fact, they were hugely protective when we were younger and in those relationships. However, nowadays, they can keep us stuck in a cycle of self doubt and insecurity. Listen in to the episode to learn more.
- Healing Goal 3: Build your Emotional Intelligence
Many survivors either numb out or explode with feelings. Healing involves getting more emotionally intelligent. Which is a great thing! You’ll feel so confident and in control when you aren’t afraid of feeling feelings and know how to process emotions. This is stuff we work on every week in the Love Your Life School and building my emotional intelligence is by far the best gift I’ve given myself.
How do we build our emotional intelligence, emotional vocabulary, and emotional resilience?
Start with this small practice. Once a day. Stop and ask yourself:
- What word describes how I’m feeling?
- Describe what that word feels like in your physical body as if you were talking to a medical doctor.
If this is confusing to you, listen to this past episode explaining emotional processing. If this feels like too small an action to take to build your emotional intelligence, it’s not. Stopping to check in with yourself once a day is a great way to start your healing process.
Next Steps:
Healing after narcissistic abuse is a process, not a quick fix. Yet each step you take brings you closer to freedom, peace, and the life you deserve. You have a choice. Keep going with your protective behaviors of hypervigilance, people pleasing, emotional reactivity or emotional numbness. You are out of the relationship so that in itself will feel so much better and is incredibly massive.
Or, you can choose to live a bigger life. The one where those past relationships don’t dictate your present and future. You had those relationships yet you work the steps to heal from them so at some point in the near future, you wake up and realize, you don’t feel that buzz of hypervigilance. You don’t feel the tight chest of responsibility. Rather, you feel light and deeply supportive of yourself.
Both choices are great steps forward from where you used to be. Kudos to you. If you want to get to choice two faster, I’m here for you. xxx
This is an extra special important one to share with someone you care about in your life. Most everyone I know does one (if not all 3) of these behaviors. Which means that most everyone we know would feel lighter and more energized if they take the steps I talk about to shift out of this programming. 💙Please click the link and share.
This is an extra special important one to share with someone you care about in your life. Most everyone I know does one (if not all 3) of these behaviors. Which means that most everyone we know would feel lighter and more energized if they take the steps I talk about to shift out of this programming. 💙Please click the link and share.
Also, it’s my birthday!! And I’d love to share a cup of coffee with you! For the price of a coffee, please head to https://patreon.com/susiepettit to support my mission and me, while I sit here week after week, year after year, bringing you tips and support to live a life you love. You matter to me, warrior! 💗
Episodes that help with emotional processing and building emotional intelligence:
- Emotional Strength with Dr. Joan Rosenberg
- Triggered: How to Feel More In Control
- How To Raise Emotionally Intelligent Kids
- How to Avoid a Panic Attack [ANXIETY SERIES]
Want more support?
- If you’re looking for the low cost option to get help from me because you feel stuck or scared in your relationship, you’re in luck. Click here and let me help you.
- 📩 Subscribe to the weekly newsletter so you never miss an episode.
- 👩🏼🎓Take it to the next level and join the Love Your Life School
- 📸 Tag me on Instagram @smb.wellness so I can cheer you on!
