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How To Make Friends

Two years ago, I found myself in a situation many of us dread: starting over. At 51, I moved from the east coast of the United States to the east coast of Australia—literally the other side of the world. My nest was newly empty, and suddenly, I was without the social network I’d spent decades building. That whisper started in my mind: “I’m lonely.” What I discovered in rebuilding my social life surprised me, and it might comfort you too. Making friends as an adult is remarkably similar to dating—awkward, vulnerable, and surprisingly rewarding when you adjust your expectations.

The Friendship Paradox We All Face

Here’s a fascinating contradiction backed by research: most people want more friends, yet most people also believe everyone else has all the friends they need. We’re all walking around thinking we’re the only lonely ones! This mistaken belief keeps us isolated. We assume that woman at the coffee shop who smiles at us every Tuesday is completely satisfied with her social circle. Meanwhile, she’s thinking the exact same thing about us.

Four Steps That Transformed My Social Life 

When I arrived in Australia, I knew I needed to be intentional about building connections. Through research and (many) awkward attempts, I discovered four principles that actually work:

1. Embrace the Awkwardness

We expect dating to be awkward—those nervous first-date jitters, the pauses in conversation, the uncertainty of connection. Yet somehow we think making friends should feel effortless. It’s not. And that’s okay. One of my closest friends here began with me practically choking on my words as I invited her for coffee after book club. I noticed we had similar taste in books, took a deep breath, and forced myself to “go first” (as Mel Robbins would say). That first coffee was painfully awkward. The third time we met, less so. Now there’s no awkwardness at all. Be willing to feel uncomfortable. Say the thing. Ask the question. Remember: that person probably wants more connection too.

2. Get Off Your Couch

Friendships require proximity. You need to physically put yourself in spaces where potential friends exist. In my Love Your Life School, we do an exercise every August where we brainstorm 50-55 things that interest us. This isn’t just a feel-good activity—it’s a roadmap to connection. For me, this meant joining a book club, taking pottery classes, and participating in community beach cleanups. What matters isn’t the activity itself but showing up consistently where people with similar interests gather.

3. Take It Out of the Class

Meeting someone once isn’t enough. The magic happens when you transition from “pottery class acquaintance” to “coffee friend.” This means being bold enough to say: “I enjoyed talking with you. Would you like to grab coffee sometime?” Yes, it feels vulnerable. Yes, it might be rejected. Do it anyway. The faster you get comfortable with these invitations, the quicker you’ll find your people.

4. Give It a Year

This is perhaps the most important principle: friendship is a long game. When I first moved here, I set myself a challenge of being intentionally social for one full year. I knew some attempts would fail. I knew some connections would fizzle. But I trusted the process. I once spotted a woman on my morning walk route for weeks. We smiled at each other daily. When I finally worked up the courage to ask if she wanted to walk together sometime, she looked me straight in the eye and said, “No, I’m okay,” then continued walking. Did it sting? Absolutely. Did it stop me? No. Because I understood this was a numbers game, just like dating. Two years after my move, I now have three close friendships that fill my life with connection, laughter, and support. Was it worth every awkward invitation? Without question.

When Friendships Reach Their Expiration Date

While we’re talking about making new friends, it’s also important to acknowledge that some friendships naturally end—and that’s okay too. Many of us, especially those with people-pleasing tendencies, stay in stagnant friendships long past their natural conclusion. We tell ourselves, “But we’ve been friends since sixth grade!” while ignoring how we actually feel in the relationship now. Ask yourself: How do you feel after spending time with this person? If you met them today for the first time, would you choose to pursue a friendship? Friendship expiration isn’t a failure—it’s an honest recognition that we have different friends for different seasons and reasons.

The Courage to Connect

Making friends as an adult requires courage—the courage to be awkward, to invite, to risk rejection, and to persist. But here’s what I’ve learned from both research and personal experience: the people you’re hesitant to approach are likely feeling just as lonely as you are. So the next time you see someone interesting at your pottery class, farmers market, or book club—remember you’re doing them a favor by extending an invitation. You’re breaking through the friendship paradox that keeps us all feeling unnecessarily alone. Will it be awkward? Yes. Worth it? Absolutely. If you’re struggling with loneliness or want more support in building meaningful connections, come join us in the Love Your Life School. It’s my online community where we dive deeper into these concepts and provide coaching to help you apply them to your unique situation. Learn more at loveyourlifeschool.com