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The Secret to Peaceful Family Holidays

The holiday season is portrayed as one of joy and connection and yet, the reality is there can be a lot of stress, tension, and unmet expectations. Especially when family is involved.

Do you find this to be your experience? Is there a part of you that dreads getting together with the aunt who criticizes your clothes, or the dad who always brings up politics, or the sibling who never looks up from their phone? Well you’re not alone! Most people think others are having more enjoyable, less drama-filled holidays than they actually are. The reality is, when we combine family and unrealistic expectations, we are going to suffer.

Keep reading though! I’m a life coach and the host of the Love Your Life Show and founder of the Love Your Life School. I’ve made it my life’s mission to figure these things out! How do we take things we’re interested in maintaining (family relationships) and the true nature of humanity (we’re all a bit cringy) and come out with sanity?

In this week of the Love Your Life Show, I will explain just this. I dive into how we get ourselves into trouble and I give you ample ways out! Find the episode on Apple Podcasts or Spotify here. If you’re more of a reader, keep reading!

The “Hope Project” Trap

Every year, many of us fall into what I call the “hope project.” We walk into family gatherings secretly hoping that this year will be different:

• Maybe mom won’t worry about the food.
• Perhaps uncle won’t drink too much.
• Maybe my husband will finally join in more.

And yet, year after year, the same patterns show up. Why? Because people are people. Not everyone thinks like you nor does everyone have the same goals as you. And so, people rarely act the way we think they should. Holding on to the unrealistic expectation that “this year will be different” only adds to our holiday stress.

Radical Acceptance

Here’s the secret: you will have much less stressful holidays if you practice thinking “they will never change”. Sounds defeatist, ey? But hang with me. If you practice accepting that, with regards to the other humans in your family, what you see is what you get, you will begin to feel lighter.

When we accept that our family members are likely to behave exactly as they always have, we move into radical acceptance—which is really another way of saying unconditional love.

Radical acceptance doesn’t mean we like the behavior or agree with it. It means we stop being shocked when it happens. Mom will always worry there’s not enough food. Dad will bring up politics. Your sister may complain about her husband. That’s who they are.

When we let go of wishing they were different, we free ourselves from disappointment. Listen to the Love Your Life Show episode to hear more personal and practical examples.

Setting Boundaries That Work

But acceptance doesn’t mean misery. Once we accept people as they are, we get to decide what boundaries we need to protect our peace:

• Uncle drinks too much? My boundary is I don’t engage after four drinks.
• Aunt criticizes my clothes? My boundary is, “Please don’t comment on my appearance.”
• Dad talks politics? My boundary is, “I don’t discuss politics at the table. I’ll step away if it comes up.”

Boundaries work best when paired with radical acceptance. Instead of trying to control others, we accept them as they are and then take responsibility for how we show up.

Choose Peace This Holiday Season

Peaceful holidays don’t come from perfect families or drama-free gatherings. Mainly because there’s no such think! People are perfect and families aren’t people we choose. It would actually be a lot more odd if families got along, no?

This season, instead of stressing over family holiday conflict or wishing people would change, try this mindset shift. Practice asking yourself: “what if they never change?” Radically accept the people you’re around and your actions and the boundaries that would be helpful for you to set will become clear.

Let them be them and let you choose where you do have control. Setting boundaries. We can’t control the other people but we can control how we think of the other people, which then controls how we feel. I’m excited to see how much more peaceful your holiday gatherings will feel with this new way of thinking.

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