Introduction: The Burden of Wanting to Control Everything

Yeah! Whoo! Hello and welcome to episode 410 of the Love Your Life Show! I am your coach, a certified life, relationship, and parenting coach. And boy, am I glad you’re here today.

Today’s topic is one I have struggled with personally, and one that I see causing so much damage in people’s lives and in their homes. But there are ways out of it, and I love helping people find them. What is this issue that I see all over the place? It is us being a control freak. Yes, us wanting to control everything.

I get it, okay? We feel like we know what should be going on and how things should be handled. A lot of my warrior listeners feel like we genuinely know what’s best. We’re like, “Oh no, this is the right way to do it. This will save you steps in your life.”

But my dear listener, I am here today because this behavior is not only eating us up inside, it is also not helpful for the people we love. I’m seeing negative consequences on both sides of that equation. So today, I come to you offering support, solutions, and a warm hug.

If you like hearing how other people just like you are dealing with these things in their houses and lives, stay tuned until the end because I’m answering a listener’s question on the show. If you want to get your own question answered on a future episode, all you have to do is become a Patreon supporter. For the price of a coffee, you can support my mission of helping women live lives they love, keep this podcast completely ad-free, and get your questions answered.

The Illusion of “Holding It Together”

Let’s be real here—just the two of us chatting in your ear. Tell me, do you think you might be a bit controlling? Do you think maybe your way is always the right way? I’m raising my hand right along with you. Do you feel calmer and less anxious when you have a say in all the things? Maybe you even joke about it with your friends, laughing along like, “Yep, that’s me, a control freak.”
At the same time, while you’re chuckling, deep in your heart you’re thinking, “Yeah, but if I step back, everything will fall apart.”
If this is resonating, this episode is for you. While controlling everything might scratch the itch temporarily in the moment, in the long term, it keeps our nervous systems buzzing, uptight, and on edge. Everything seems incredibly serious and heavy. It forces us into a state of hyper-vigilance where we feel we must always be on guard—even on the good days—because we never know when that other shoe is going to drop.

What I hear from you all the time—and what I’ve felt myself—is that you don’t want to feel this way. You don’t want to feel so tense, so responsible, and always “on the lookout.” You want to feel:
• More relaxed
• Lighter
• More chill
• More at ease in your life

The good news is that I know it’s possible for you because it was possible for me. I used to be one of the biggest control freaks out there. Truly, if there were awards for it, I would have won them all. Today, I don’t walk around with that constant buzzing, hyper-vigilance, or mental checklist of “Is he okay? Is she okay? I must have everything figured out.” If I could shift out of that energy, I know you can too.

The Heavy Superwoman Cloak

It is time, my dear one, to lay down that “Superwoman cloak” of doing it all, controlling it all, and thinking we have all the answers. It is a heavy friggin’ cloak.
If you’re listening, a part of you might be ready to see how these old ways are no longer in our best interest—and they are definitely not in our family’s best interest either. This pattern of overfunctioning so that others can under-function runs us ragged physically, mentally, and emotionally. Sure, it makes the system work for everyone else, but at what cost? So we can sit around with our equally exhausted friends and say, “I know, me too”?
No, we are waking up. We are starting to see that this “I’ll handle everything” way of living isn’t sustainable, and it’s actually not helping anyone.
A lot of us have been taught, directly or indirectly, that being the one who holds it all together means we’re strong. We treat it like a badge of honor: “Look at me, I’m the reliable one. I’m the glue. If I didn’t do it, no one would.” If this is you, you are likely the planner, the rememberer, and the fixer.
The uncomfortable truth is that while this can feel like strength, control is actually the very thing wearing you down.

What if real strength is actually learning how to manage your own emotions and feelings, so you don’t feel so pulled and influenced by other people’s emotions?
Underneath this control and “I’ve got it” energy, I see a lot of resentment, burnout, exhaustion, and an existential loneliness among women. We wonder, “Why am I the only one doing everything? Does anyone really see what I’m doing?”

The Cost to Your Health and Relationships

Here is the great news: being a control freak is not who you are. It’s not your core identity. It is actually protective armor that your brain and body learned to put on at an early age to keep you safe, avoid disappointment, and prevent things from falling apart.

But staying in control comes at a massive cost.
• Emotionally: You end up exhausted, resentful, and disconnected from your partner.
• Physically: You live on stress hormones, leaving your system inflamed. It wreaks havoc on our health, leading to chronic fatigue, GI issues, teeth grinding, and tense bodies. We end up feeling both “wired and tired” at the same time.
• Relationally: When we are always stepping in to fix, direct, and manage, we unintentionally send the message: “I don’t trust you to handle this.”

Over time, the grown adults in our lives simply stop trying. If you always remember your partner’s appointments or drop everything the moment a parent says they’re lonely, they take their hands off the wheel. They have brains that could problem-solve, but if you’re always there to solve it, why would they work that muscle?

How Control Impacts Our Kids (The Airplane Analogy)

Where my heart really lies is with the kids. This is where the pattern impacts them deeply. When your child comes to you with an age-appropriate challenge—a mean girl at school, a tough teacher, or not making a team—and we jump in with a “here is what you should do” energy, they miss their growth opportunity. They miss the chance to build confidence and problem-solve when the consequences are still small.

There is a massive difference between ignoring your kid and jumping in to call the teacher or fix the situation for them. When we rush to control the situation, our fear sends an underlying message: “I don’t think you can handle this.”
From there, I see two distinct patterns develop in kids:
• The Overly Anxious Kid: They internalize that they can’t handle things, so they overthink, over-rely on mom, and need constant reassurance for every decision.
• The Avoidant Kid: They experience low motivation, high procrastination, failure to launch, and complete checkout because they feel like they’ve already screwed it up anyway.

Neither of these outcomes is what we want, but both are within our power to shift when we let go of control.
Think of parenting using an airplane analogy. When you’re on a flight and you hit severe turbulence, what’s the first thing you do? You look at the flight attendant. If they are still calmly serving drinks and chatting, they stop the contagion of your panicked energy.

Our kids need us to practice that same “sturdy parenting.” If they come home with a problem and we get completely rattled, they mirror that anxiety. The wonderful news is that when I work with moms to get out of this pattern, the dynamics with the kids shift incredibly quickly.

Two Steps to Shifting Out of Control

Shifting out of this pattern is simple, but it won’t feel easy because our brains have decades of programming telling us that control equals safety.

Step 1: Set an Intention and Make an Emotional Plan

Every behavior change starts with a conscious intention. It’s about saying today: “I’m going to step out of this over-controlling role. I’m laying down my cape.”
Because this is a deeply ingrained habit, you need an emotional plan. When our feelings are high, our logical thinking is low. When your kid gets cut from the team or your partner misses a deadline, your feelings of fear, sadness, or frustration are normal.
Instead of asking, “How do I fix this?” the goal is emotional regulation—learning how to sit with your own discomfort instead of rushing to control others so you can stop feeling anxious. We cannot control other human beings, but we can learn to regulate ourselves before we open our mouths.

Step 2: Use Bridge Thoughts

Once your nervous system is calmer, you can access your thinking brain and implement a cognitive plan. The best way to do this is with a bridge thought—a realistic, believable statement that helps your brain shift away from old habits.
Here are a few examples of bridge thoughts to get you started:

• “I am working on stepping back so they can step up.”
• “It is hard for me when they are upset, and that is okay.”
• “This is part of their learning experience here in Earth school.”
• “Even though it feels like it is, this problem is not mine to fix.”

Are you ready to loosen your grip just a little bit? You don’t have to go from controlling everything to controlling nothing overnight. Even dropping your control by 5% will make your life feel lighter, quieter, and full of more genuine connection.

Listener Q&A: “But My Controlling is Working!”

Now, let’s move into our listener question from one of our Patreon supporters.

Listener Question: “Hi! I’m writing as a self-identified control freak. I have my hand in everyone’s business, but it seems like my controlling is actually working. What if my kids are totally fine with me jumping in to text other parents and taking care of missed assignments? What if my husband is genuinely happy with me reminding him of his appointments and handling everything in the house?”

This is such a brilliant question. And I want to start by validating you: yes, it is working in the short term. In general, people are more than happy to let you overfunction so that they can under-function. It gives them temporary ease because they don’t have to deal with uncomfortable emotions or handle direct follow-ups.
But what is the long-term result? It is wearing you down, creating deep burnout, and severely limiting their future independence and confidence.

When we step back and allow them to do things their way, we let them have the life experiences they are actually here to have. We have to disrupt the cycle. The next time the urge to control strikes, reframe your thinking using your emotional plan and bridge thoughts:

• Instead of: “If only my partner would do more with the kids.”
• Try thinking: “It’s hard for me when my partner doesn’t do more with the kids,” and allow yourself to sit with that discomfort.
• Instead of: “If only my teen would turn in all their work.”
• Try thinking: “It’s hard for me when my teen doesn’t turn in their work,” and process your own anxiety without intervening.
• Instead of: “If only my mom would go make some friends.”
• Try thinking: “It’s hard for me to hear that my mom is lonely,” and make it safe for you to just hold that feeling without trying to change her life.

I promise you, 99 times out of 100, when we step back, they will eventually step up. There might be a brief, awkward adjustment period where they wonder what happened, but they will adapt.
When you stop managing your partner’s calendar, he might miss a few appointments. He will feel uncomfortable, and then he will use his adult brain to find a solution. You feel freer, he feels less emasculated, and your relationship improves.

When you stop fighting your teen’s battles, they feel less judged, you feel less responsible, and your bond strengthens into a real team.
And when you stop rushing to cure a parent’s loneliness, they stop over-relying on you. One day soon, you’ll call them up and they’ll say, “Oh, sorry, I can’t talk right now, I’m playing mahjong with my new besties!” This reality is completely possible for you.

Do the short-term work of stepping back and feeling a bit uncomfortable so that you can enjoy long-term ease. Thank you for doing this work. The more we focus on controlling what we actually can—ourselves—and letting go of what we can’t, the better the whole world gets.

I’m supporting you 100% of the time. See you next week, warriors!