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How to Use Active Listening to Deepen Your Relationships

Have you ever walked away from a conversation with your teen, partner, or coworker wondering, “What just happened?” Maybe you thought you were listening, but they shut down or drifted off. You wanted to connect, but somehow ended up more disconnected. Mastering active listening in relationship dynamics can transform these frustrating moments into opportunities for deeper connection.

You’re not alone. Most of us were never taught how to be a better listener. We picked up habits that look like listening – nodding, giving advice, telling a story of our own – but they don’t build the kind of connection we crave.
That’s where active listening comes in. It’s a relationship-changing skill that shifts you from reacting to responding, from fixing to understanding. I have found it to be so helpful in my relationships that I view it as one of the most significant emotional maturity tools you can have as a parent, partner, leader, or friend.

Let’s explore what active listening is so you can start using it today.

Why This Feels Awkward (and That’s Okay)

Can we just name it? Learning how to actively listen can feel super awkward at first. I want to remind you that it feels awkward because it’s new, not because you’re doing it wrong.

Just the other weekend, I went to a dance event with some moves I’d never seen before. I felt like a wobbly giraffe trying to follow along. But I kept reminding myself: of course it feels weird. It’s new! I’m learning!

Same goes for this.

Even though we’ve technically been listening our whole lives, this will feel different because many of us haven’t been listening in this way: without an agenda or without jumping in to fix.

And so permission to call on your growth mindset; not because something’s gone wrong but because when we’re trying new things, they’ll feel uncomfortable. Be the Buffalo Warrior! If you’re doing it “right”, it will feel uncomfortable. It’s totally normal to feel clunky when you’re building emotional maturity and deeper connection. I feel it too. And we keep going anyway. Let’s learn the 4 pieces.

Step 1: Know What Kind of Conversation You’re Having

This is where most of us go off track. We assume someone wants advice when what they really want is validation.

In this post I explain the three types of conversations as put forth by author Charles Duhigg:

• Emotional (seeking to be heard or understood)
• Practical (seeking solutions)
• Social (seeking connection or play)

Please listen to this week’s episode of the Love Your Life Show for specific examples on these conversation types or scroll down for a link to listen to the deep dive into the three conversation types that super communicators know. This is an important first step in mindful and mature conversations.

Step 2: Ask a Deep Question

Once you’ve identified the type of conversation, it’s time to ask a deep question. I give a lot of examples on what and how to ask deep questions in the Love Your Life School. If you want to learn this faster, join us.

Essentially this step is all about staying curious. Here are some examples that work for me:

• “What’s that like for you?”
• “Tell me more about what’s on your mind.”
• “When did you start feeling that way?”
• “Why do you think?”

This step pulls you out of advice-giving mode and keeps the focus on the person talking.

Step 3: Loop for Understanding

Think of a circle or a loop. In this step, you’re saying words out loud that circles back what they were saying. Essentially, looping looks like reflecting back what you heard to make sure you got it. It might sound like:

• “So you’re worried you’ll freeze during the presentation because last time you forgot your lines?” or,
• “You’re pissed because your boss didn’t give you the days off you requested?”

This gives the other person a chance to clarify what they were saying while showing them you’re listening to understand, not respond.

Step 4: Ask “Did I Get That Right?”

This final step is another chance to see if you’ve heard the essence of what they’re trying to communicate. You say something like “is that right?” or “does that feel right?” or “is that sort of what you’re experiencing?”. This gives them the chance to refine what they said, add to what they said, or correct what you’re emphasizing. It is such a connecting piece because it truly shows the other person that you’re paying attention and that their experience matters to you. Talk about emotional intimacy and connection, right?

Why Active Listening Matters

Can you see how active listening could help you feel closer in your relationships? Might you also see how it’s needed? How about, can you see how it will feel awkward at first. Please don’t let that deter you. My experience has been that I feel super awkward with the looping or checking for understanding but the other person doesn’t notice. Rather, they feel heard and listened to. I mean, how amazing right?

I really hope you’ll give this a try. Learning about and practicing active listening in relationships creates emotional safety. It helps people feel seen, heard, and understood which leads to more openness, connection, and trust.

It’s not about being perfect. It’s about showing up with intention and practicing these four simple steps.

Get support?

👩🏼‍🎓This is exactly what we do inside the Love Your Life School each week. We take ideas like these and turn them into real-life practices, together.

You don’t have to do this alone. Join us today 👉🏽The Love Your Life School 

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