Are you a people pleaser?
- Do you say yes when you mean no?
- Do you go along with a group to avoid conflict?
- Do you feel responsible for how other people feel?
- Do you apologize often?
- When someone is upset with you, do you try to โmake it rightโ even if that means that you go against your values?
- Do you tell people when youโre disappointed in them or their actions?
- Do you stick up for yourself when you feel you’ve been wronged?
The above behaviors are harmful for us and for those weโre in relationship with. Our relationships are dis-connected and we feel flatlined in life. Why? Because when weโre people pleasing, weโre lying to everyone, including ourselves. Sure, it isnโt a malicious lie as it stems from a lack of self esteem but it doesnโt serve anyone. ย People pleasers would rather lie than tell the truth about their honest feelings, even something as banal as telling someone where they want to go for lunch. So then, the relationships you form are not ones based on truth or authenticity. Your friends don’t know the real you. This leaves you feeling as if no one understands you or that no one “gets” the real you. Hard truth? They don’t. But this isn’t a fault of theirs. How could they? You aren’t showing them the real you.
What kind of message are you sending to yourself if youโre constantly lying to yourself and to others? You are telling yourself that your opinion doesnโt matter. You are telling yourself that the other personโs needs come before yours. You are telling yourself that you don’t matter as much as others. Your happiness, your interests, your desires aren’t important enough to share with those close to you. People pleasing behavior is toxic and is usually rooted in a series of deep beliefs that have been reinforced your whole life. ย A belief that we need otherโs love to fit in. A belief that what others think of us is truth. A belief that we are lovable if others tell us we are. It comes from us looking externally for approval instead of internally. People pleasing behaviors run deep in our blood. Entire books have been written on the subject and I will not begin to I will not be addressing them all in this blog – but I do want to give you tools to begin to live a life YOU want to live, not one someone else thinks you should. Three simple but not easy steps:
1) Awareness Log: Begin to be aware of when you are acting in a way to make someone else think a certain thing about you or when you are doing something to gain someone else approval. Pretend to keep a log in your head of when you did or said things to please other people before yourself. For example, โI said yes to Kara when she asked if I could make the cupcakes even though I didn’t want toโ or โI told Susie Iโd go to breakfast with her Saturday even though Iโd rather hang in my PJs with my kidsโ. Awareness is the first step to changing behavior. Click To Tweetย Pay attention to when you say โI donโt knowโ or โI donโt care.โ This is all about allowing yourself to care; Allowing yourself to share you opinions and thoughts; Allowing yourself to be you. For now, just start noticing these things. You donโt need to change your actions. Start by noticing when, where, and with who you choose to put others needs before your own.
2) Start small: Practice speaking up in minor ways. When youโre with your BFF and she asks where you want to go for lunch, actually tell her (gasp!). When you read about a new local place youโd like to visit, tell your spouse and put it on the calendar. And yes, that nervous feeling in your stomach just thinking about doing these things? Thatโs a sign youโre on the right path! Yay you! I know it isnโt a comfortable feelings but youโre strengthening that โI Matterโ Muscle (because you do!!). When we work out a new muscle at the gym we will experience discomfort. That doesnโt mean somethingโs gone wrong. Rather, it means that weโre getting stronger and thatโs exactly what happens internally when you begin to change old behaviors. So start small but start. Speak up. What do you want for dinner? What do you want to do in the morning?ย
Approaching life in a different manner is uncomfortable but leads to growth and greatness. Click To Tweet
3) Mirror Work: Yep, itโs exactly as it sounds. Go stand in front of a mirror and practice sticking up for yourself. Again, expect this to feel uncomfortable but know thatโs all the more reason to do it. Expect your brain to tell you itโs dumb and you donโt need to practice (and that you certainly donโt need to practice in front of a mirror!). Choose to disagree with that brain. Your brain likes to be comfortable and do what itโs always done.ย If you want life to be different, you have to be different in your life. Mirror work will make you more comfortable when you are doing this in person so try it. Practice saying no in front of the mirror. Practice speaking up for yourself in front of the mirror. Here are some things you can practice saying:
Thanks for thinking of me but I have to say no.
I have to pass on this one.
Actually, Iโd rather go to_____for lunch.
No, thatโs a family night for me.
That wonโt work for me.
Iโll get back to you.
Iโd rather not.ย
That makes me uncomfortable.
I would ratherโฆ.
When learning how to better say no, keep it brief, avoid apologies, and be truthful (do not lie). Learn ย
There you have it, three ways to get started today. Letโs go Warriors. Spend your energy being yourself instead of being the self others want you to be. When you are showing up as your true self, not only do you benefit (your mental and physical health) but the the people around you also benefit. The better you care for yourself, the better you show up in this world Click To Tweet. This is what loving your life is all about. Living your life on your terms. Your dreams, your desires, and your needs are given to you as signs of how youโre supposed to show up in this world. If weโre constantly ignoring our desires, weโre constantly giving the universe a middle finger. Itโs like Iโm saying, yeah, I know that was your plan for me but Iโm going to twist myself into this fake version of myself to make others happy. Seriously? If youโre ready to start the journey, take one small step this week. Iโm here by your side. Letโs go!ย
Want to learn more? Here’s another article on people pleasing:
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