Voiceover: Hi, this is the Love Your Life show with Susie Pettit, certified life and wellness coach. Join Susie as she helps you with your wellness and mindset so you can live a life you love. Let’s go Warriors.

Oh hello warrior, and thank you so much for clicking play on this episode. How to stop feeling Guilty. Setting boundaries. This is something that I have practiced and practiced and practiced and continue to practice and practice and have helped so many people with this feeling of like, oh my gosh, I’m doing something wrong. When we open our mouth and have an opinion, or when we open our mouth and we finally say no, or we finally do the thing that the logical part of us is like, no, I think it’s okay to tell my neighbor that I don’t like unannounced visits, or I think it’s okay to actually tell my husband that I want to go to a the Mexican restaurant this weekend, not his favorite sushi restaurant or I think it’s okay to tell my teen that I’m not going to drop everything and go to the mall with them right now. Okay. There’s a part of you possibly that knows, that thinks that’s okay. And if you don’t think that’s okay, I can tell you as a coach it is one hundred percent okay. Those are one hundred percent reasonable things to say as part of our relationships. And yet, I can also tell you that saying those things, saying those one hundred percent reasonable things will one hundred percent feel uncomfortable to you as we’re working to break out of our co-dependent and enmeshed systems. Those things are going to feel uncomfortable. And I want to teach you today some things to get comfortable with that discomfort so that we can grow and be in those healthy relationships. When you say those things, it is perfectly reasonable for you to feel like you’re going to vomit in your mouth. Been there. Get that right. And I bet you’ve tried this before. Maybe like, I’m just wondering if you can sit and pause and be like, what’s your system? Maybe you listen to a self-development podcast like this, or you watch a reel on like Facebook or Instagram and TikTok and you feel inspired and you’re like, okay, okay, that feels reasonable. I can do that. And maybe you even get to the point where you open your mouth and say the thing, right? You say it out loud. Well, what do they do? I will tell you that at the very least, those people are surprised. They’re used to the old you. They’re used to the old dance. You’re changing the dance steps. Okay, so at the very least, they’re surprised they’re going to have some nonverbal, like, eye raises more reasonably and realistically, they will push back. They will question you. They might be annoyed. And what I’m here today to help you see is that this makes sense. It makes sense, right? If every other time your teen has asked to go to the mall, you drop everything and go. You Suddenly saying it doesn’t work for you. It’s going to seem to them like they’re talking to an alien. They’re like, who has taken my mom? Or if every other time your husband has asked you what you want to do, and you say, I don’t know, and you suddenly say, I’m going to go to the cafe and do some journaling. He’s going to be like, wait, who has taken over my life? Is this an alien? If you answer the phone every time your mom or sister calls, no matter what, and you suddenly don’t answer, please expect they’re going to check your location to make sure you’re not in the hospital or abducted by a UFO. If we keep the alien theme. My point here is that their confusion is expected and their pushback is normal. And what I want you to get better at is both expecting the pushback and teaching your nervous system that the discomfort you feel is healthy. It’s part of what we feel when we’re in healthy relationships and doing things differently, rather than going along and getting along and ending up feeling resentful and pissy, or like no one knows the real you. This emotional loneliness. So many people say like, I don’t feel emotionally connected in my life. And as a coach, what I know is that often it’s because we’re not showing that emotional side of us. We feel disconnected because we’re showing this fake version of ourselves. Okay, so first with this episode, I just want to be my main point that I want you to take away is that when you start doing things differently, when you open your mouth and use clear, concise, honest communication, there will be pushback. Your brain will question that pushback. It will say things to you like, was I wrong? AM I selfish? Should I have just said yes? Maybe I should explain it better. And what I’m here to say today is the growth curve here is to notice that to have a sort of like alarm bell in your brain, like automatic negative thinking happening. Okay. Old programming happening. And if you want something to be different, you need to think about it differently. The feeling of guilt like you’ve done something wrong is actually not a sign you’ve done something wrong. As we’ve been taught to teach, to feel the feeling of guilt is a sign you’re coming up against this old conditioning old child. Like thinking, if you will. Up level that thinking. It’s our opportunity to step into our emotional adulthood. Step into our big girl panties. When we were a child, we needed to be more defensive for many reasons that have gone into on other podcast episodes. And I can explain if you email me in this episode, I want to say that that sort of thinking is our emotional child. We’re being less emotionally mature, and it is now our job. If you’re listening to this podcast, uplevel that thinking, you’re up for it. Here’s our new thinking. Someone being upset about your boundary doesn’t mean your boundary is wrong. In fact, them being upset, their discomfort is confirmation you’re on the right path, especially if you’ve worked through that boundary with me as your coach and we have the wording, I really want you to hear me. Their pushback doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. Think of their discomfort as just a sign that you’re doing something different. This is that first part of the podcast episode, the first lesson in earth school today, that your discomfort or their discomfort doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. It means you’re doing something different. Discomfort equals different. Discomfort is the growth path. You don’t grow when you’re comfortable. Same goes in your relationships. Healthy relationships grow, unhealthy ones stagnate. So just normalizing that this discomfort is part of a healthy relationship. The second part of this episode is differentiating between setting boundaries with our kids and with adults. And simply put, if it’s an adult, the reason why we’re setting boundaries is for the strength of our relationship to make that relationship stronger in our healthy adult relationships, we want to be in a relationship. My wish for you, my dear warrior, is that you’re in a relationship with another adult who is working on their emotional maturity. We never reach a finish line of how emotionally mature we are. And for sure, some days I’m more mature than others, depending on four hundred thousand other things and mostly my estrogen levels these days. But seriously, like our maturity isn’t something. It’s like, oh good, I got it. I’m emotionally mature. No, the important part is that you’re with someone in a relationship that’s working on this. And then you know that when you’re in a relationship with an adult like that, you speaking up, being honest, using clear, concise communication makes that relationship stronger. Let that person get to know you. Get to know yourself too. Right. So that’s an adult relationship. If it’s our kid and we’re setting a boundary, having a guideline, it’s actually our intent here is to build their brain. True story. Did you know this part of being a responsible parent is having guidelines for your kid to push against so their brain can grow, right? More on that in a bit. First, the adult. Here’s the thing. If you’re speaking up in a different way, say you’re not answering a call or you don’t want to do what he wants to do, or you actually have an opinion on what you want to do. Their pushback is coming from confusion rather than hostility or evidence that you’re doing the wrong thing. They aren’t used to this new honest, communicating you in most cases. If you’re in a narcissistic or a really emotionally, you know, a relationship with an emotional vampire, please contact me or go to smb.com/narc for my top episodes on that because they, they actually are pushing back from hostility. But most of the adults in our life, most of the people were, were with, okay, we, they are going to push back from confusion rather than hostility or evidence that you’re doing the wrong thing. Even with the narcissist there, pushback doesn’t mean you’re doing the wrong thing. Their pushback is just showing you like, oh no, here. Yes, I’m in a relationship with a narcissist. There are just different tools to do after that with everyone, every adult in your life. We want boundaries and our healthy adults in our life. They just aren’t used to this new you. That’s okay. Like what are they used to is a good question to ask yourself. For me, my husband was used to me not having an opinion and not not having an opinion, not really knowing what I want, and certainly not specifically asking for what I want. So when I started to change in this way, at first he was confused. I remember a specific Friday morning actually like it comes to mind. I’m like clearly picturing it as we sit on our balcony in Arlington. We usually catch up on the porch with a cup of coffee before our workday start, and he said, what do you want to do this weekend? And he was totally expecting me to say something like, I don’t know, what do you want to do? And instead I said, I want to go to Bibibop for lunch on Saturday. And I was looking at him and I did not use extra words. I just said, I want to go to Bibibop for lunch on Saturday. He almost spit his coffee out. He was so surprised. It wasn’t that he didn’t support me going to Bebe Bop, or that he didn’t also want to go to Bebe Bop. And yes, Bebe Bop’s a real place. And if you live in the Arlington, Virginia area, make sure you visit it because I just miss it so much. But his reaction was more. He was like, wait, what? She’s changed the dance step. If I took his first reaction, which were basically his eyes popping out of his head and almost spitting his coffee out as a sign that I did something wrong, I would have gone into my old behavior of overexplaining and over defending myself and lots and lots of words. But luckily, my coach at that time had prepped me in the same way. I’m prepping you to expect the surprise. Expect the pushback. It’s normal. It’s not a sign you’ve done something wrong. Persevere. Say what you want to say and then close your mouth. All right. What about something that might feel a little harder for you? That was. First of all, I want you to start with the easy. Like, I knew Paul liked BB bop too. So I was like, okay, let’s try it. And boy, did I still feel uncomfortable. But what about the neighbor who’s always visiting unannounced or the sister who’s used to you picking up when they call? Okay, you get to say, this isn’t a good time for me. Short, concise, and stop talking. Hey, they are going to expect differently from you. Maybe your sister or your friend even calls and has this, like, automatic. Is this a good time? Expecting you to have the automatic? Yes. And when you actually say no, I’m playing a game with my son. How about I call tomorrow? She’s like, what? She actually may not even hear you and just talk over you. But this makes sense, right? When you’ve always been that auto, yes, it would be normal for them to be surprised. It would be normal for them to push back a bit. And most adults are not skilled in their pushback, which is why I’m here preaching into your ear to expect it and have a little give a little flexible thinking. Depending on how long we’ve been doing this dance with them, they will be confused. It’s okay. Let it be awkward. Let it be a little messy. Don’t make their reaction mean you’re doing something wrong. Rather, it means you’re growing the relationship. You’re moving out of codependency where one person’s emotional needs override the other person’s emotional needs. Your discomfort shows you’re moving into more mature relationships, where each person can trust the other person to not only ask for what they want, but also to say what they want when the other person isn’t available to give what the other person wants. The first person doesn’t cave into emotional immaturity and childhood, so you get to be the one who starts who better than you? Lean into the tools that I teach in the love of your life school to regulate yourself. September. That’s what we’re doing in there. It’s all the trainings. Click on the resources. Find it to remind yourself you’re not doing anything wrong. New patterns feel odd at first. Totally makes sense. Try to like normalize your nervous system so you don’t overexplain you don’t over defend. That’s the little kid in us. That’s the immature communication. Let me give you fourteen reasons why it’s okay for me to play this game with my son instead of talk to you on the phone. No, it gets complicated, guys. Let me give you twelve reasons why it’s okay for me to tell you that I want to go to Bibibop. No. Step into your warrior adult, confident self. Expect his or her confusion and do it anyway. Say the things with as few words as possible. Less words. More mature. If they have a question, you wait for them to ask the question. Don’t try to mind read and and answer their question. We do that when we’re in emotionally immature or narcissistic relationships, and it is really important to give less words. Because if you are in a relationship with an emotional vampire or a narcissist, the more words you give, they’re not listening to you to, to listen to your words and understand why you want to go to bebop, or why you want to play the game with your son. They’re listening for loopholes. The more you talk, the more energy and bait they get to bait you in to confuse you. And I’ve been in those kind of relationships. So I can tell you firsthand that the more I talked, the more confused I got. And if you had watched me and some of the people I was in relationship with, like my first husband, the more I talked, it was almost like if there was an energy gauge on both of us, his gauge, the more I talked would be getting more and more and more full, and my energy gauge would be getting less and less and less flood be giving my energy away. So less talking, less talking. Let them ask a question and then ask. Answer the question. They ask fewer words and if they have a question, you answer it. Hi friend, I won’t be coming to your house for dinner on Tuesday. Less words, more honesty. More confidence in these adult relationships you’re in. Second piece that I want to share here is when we’re setting a boundary with our kid. If you’ve taken my parenting class or listened to my top parenting podcast, I’ll put the link below in the show notes. You know that we have three jobs as a parent of a teen, and one of those three jobs is to have boundaries. Healthy parenting is having boundaries or house guidelines that your kids don’t like. That’s actually necessary. That’s your job. It is our responsibility to help them grow their brain, to build their capacity to resist short term gratification for long term life satisfaction. And we do it in little ways by having these annoying things that we think are the way that you should be doing things like hanging your phone up at night or, you know, not like whatever the things are emptying the dishwasher or putting the water in with the dog. Like our guidelines that they think are dumb and they think they shouldn’t have to do. That’s part of responsible parenting and that is part of building their brain. It is a wonderful thing and it feels awful. It does feel awful as a mom who’s done this. Okay. But I do want to just be on here to just reinforce that. Setting boundaries helps them. It helps them learn how to resist that short term gratification and do the thing they don’t want to do, sort of this external part. It also helps them so they don’t grow up in these codependent, enmeshed relationships. So for this episode, I just want to focus on this simple thing. Less words. Share the guideline with your kid kindly, succinctly, and honestly, and then close your mouth and get ready for the pushback. Your job stayed it without this huge long description and defensiveness and overexplaining their job to push back, to resist, to not agree. Okay. If they agree with all your guidelines, that is a sign that something else is going on in your house that I’d really like to help you with. Get like, call me, get on my, um, get a free consult with me, smbwell.com/consult. Okay. Because seriously, we want them to push back. And if they’re not pushing back, something’s going on. And I’d like to really, like, hammer that out with you quickly in a twenty five minute consult. Twenty five minutes or less. They we want them to push back. It is a sign that they are growing well, that that’s their job. And it shows us that their brain is doing what a preteen and a teen brain is supposed to do. All right. So when if they don’t push back, call me. When you do set a boundary and they push back, celebrate. You’re raising healthy kids and being a good parent. Does it feel easy? No. I hated it when my kids pushed back. My nervous system would be like Susie. Susie, stop. Like when they told me I was ruining their life by having them plug their phone in at whatever time at night. That felt so bad to me. It felt uncomfortable. Okay. Similar to how uncomfortable it feels when I tell my friend she can’t pop in right now. And that’s the whole point of this episode. This discomfort is part of our growth. It’s part of our plan here in earth schools. Boundaries are necessary and healthy relationships, healthy relationships with adults, and healthy relationships with our kids. And setting those boundaries will feel uncomfortable. Many, many, many other coaches out there are just preaching to set the boundary, but let them. Let them do that. Let them do this. I am here and I really want to emphasize this part that it will feel Uncomfortable, and you need tools to soothe your nervous system so that you are telling your nervous system. I know this feels uncomfortable, but you’re safe here, right? When you work to intentionally and deliberately reframe how you think about boundaries and discomfort, you grow. You mature. And so my invitation for you today is to reframe this. Think of feeling discomfort, like feeling discomfort at the gym. You want your muscles to feel that extra bicep curl. You want your kid to push back. You want to feel uncomfortable when you stop overexplaining and speak up for yourself. That’s growth. That’s what we’re here for. In earth school. Nothing has gone wrong, dear system. This is what it feels like to be a warrior. This is what it feels like to live a connected life. To feel more confident. Oh my. It is the truth. And it’s one of the reasons why I’m so glad you listened to shows like this. I really want to thank you. This is the end of the episode, and you’ve stuck around, and that tells me something about you and the type of person you are. And to me, you’re the type of person who’s making this world a better place, who’s on that growth path. It might not be as fast as you want, and you might not be doing it as skillfully as you want. But please don’t lose sight of the fact that you’re listening to podcasts like this, and you’re on that path. You’re doing something most don’t do. And for that, I thank you. It’s people like you who keep me coming on here episode after episode. So hear me in your ear. Thank you for being a part of the love your life family. I love you, I support you, you’re not alone. Let’s do this thing. See you next week.