Introduction: Why Fun Belongs on Your Calendar
Hi warriors, hello, and welcome back! I’m so glad you clicked on this episode because it’s going to help you so much. By the end of this episode, you will have actual ideas on how you can feel lighter, looser, and more fun starting right now.
It’s halfway through the year and, depending on your age, probably more than halfway through our lives. Why not turn your super-skilled, wonderful brain towards figuring out how to have more fun? How can we stop feeling so serious and so responsible for everyone and everything?
“Fun belongs on our calendar. Fun belongs as a focus of our goals. Fun is a cornerstone of our wellness and health.”
Yet, it’s the one thing that takes a back burner for us women. Personally, I need this! When I look back at my past, I can see that lightheartedness and fun were programmed right out of me. And I know I’m not alone. Gen Xers were trained to be people-pleasers, self-reliant, “pull up the bootstraps, take care of it and everything” type of people.
We got very, very good at:
• Being responsible.
• Noticing what needs to be done.
• Reading the room.
• Keeping the peace.
• Anticipating problems before they happen.
• And oh my goodness, very, very good at not complaining or asking for help. God forbid we were called selfish or showed that we were weak in this area! No way.
The Physical and Mental Cost of Chronic Stress
Yet, what are we finding out now? Feeling like we need to constantly be thinking of what everyone else is doing or feeling—while believing that if we take our hands off the wheel, the ship is going down? Mentally, that’s awful. I know that!
For me, it feels like I can’t truly exhale. I’ve gotta stay alert—that other shoe might drop, warrior! It has felt like there’s always something buzzing in the background, that foreboding doom. Tight shoulders, buzzing chest… ick.
The experts I’ve interviewed, and the experts that I read and talk to, all point to reducing stress as a top priority for women and our health as we age. They can prove it with research: the more stressed we are, the more illnesses we will have. There is a direct correlation. The more stressed we are:
• The more disconnected our relationships will be.
• The less our kids will want to be around us.
• The more we will fight with our spouse.
• The greater our chance of developing Alzheimer’s, GI issues, and heart issues.
Geez, one might say our life depends on our ability to figure out how to have more fun in our day! In doing an episode on this, I am saying this is important.
Unprogramming Decades of Efficiency
I also want to say: this will feel hard. Yes, fun and lighthearted living will feel hard at first.
Because however old you are, subtract 8 or 9 from that number, and that’s how many years you’ve been programmed to be efficient. Productive. Good little capitalistic, patriarchal humans. In a capitalist society, we are here to produce—to do things. In a patriarchal society, women are meant to serve the patriarch—to think of what others need and then go make that happen.
So while we can go to the marches or see how that’s not quite fair, choosing fun is going to feel uncomfortable. It’s like lifting a heavier weight at the gym. By listening to this and knowing this ahead of time, it helps you so much.
So that when you are sitting in a chair reading for reading’s sake, or lying in the hammock just to lie in the hammock, and it feels like your skin is crawling and your brain is sending an alert—”Wait, this is wrong, what are you doing?”—I urge you to hear my voice in your ear.
Permission to do nothing. Your discomfort is simply you unprogramming decades of being taught that you are only valuable if you are doing something that someone else thinks is valuable. That helps someone else. It’s killing us.
Even if your physical body is currently symptom-free, your jaw is loose, and your butt cheeks aren’t constantly squeezed, I wonder if you can relate to this: Do you ever see those neighbors on their porch and wonder, “Why does it look so easy for her?” Or look at a post on Facebook and wonder, “Why does everyone else seem to know how to relax? Why am I over here making lists, worrying about what my kids and spouse are doing or not doing, while simultaneously feeling like I forgot something?” Ugggh.
Fun Feels Vulnerable
And yet I know you don’t struggle because you want to. Like when someone tells you to take a break or put your feet up, what do you think? I know my first go-to used to be, “Oh sure, easy for you to say! If I chill out, this whole ship is going down.” Blegh!
I know my listeners. You don’t struggle because you don’t want life to feel lighter. But when we’re used to people-pleasing, doing the right thing, and taking care of everyone else’s feelings and experiences… fun feels vulnerable. It feels unsafe for so many reasons that I’ve covered in past episodes.
Yet for today, let’s get into it. Let’s talk about simple steps to reprogram our nervous system so next June, we’re that woman we see on the porch. The one who is not only sitting there looking like she’s relaxing, but if we hooked her up to a monitor, we’d see the buzzing has stopped, her jaw is loose, and her shoulders are relaxed. Yes, please!
So today, let’s learn to have fun in a simple and easy way. Two steps!
Step 1: Brainstorm True Fun (Not “Going Along to Get Along”)
Step one: let’s start brainstorming fun. We’re going to make a “fun list” this week. We’re going to start noticing, learning, and investigating ourselves.
• What is fun for you?
• What do you do that makes you lose track of time?
• What do you do that has you feeling light and free?
• What makes you laugh out loud?
Think of things that make you lose track of time and make you feel light and free—that is fun. When we’re looking at the clock thinking “10 more minutes,” or when we’re thinking of the things we need to do after this thing, or when we’re worried about what people look like when we laugh or sit a certain way—that’s not true fun. That’s not what we’re brainstorming here.
We’ve all done a lot of things just because others thought they were fun. Transparency here, and something I feel cringy and embarrassed over and have never shared with anyone, but… when I was in my early 20s, I used to sit around and watch my boyfriend and his friends play this video game. I forget what it was called, some baseball league thing. Even though some of the other guys would always ask if I wanted to play, I’d say, “No, I’m having fun watching them.” Lie! I so wasn’t, and I feel so sad for past me. I was too uncomfortable to play myself and too insecure to say I was going to go do something else that I might find fun while my boyfriend was doing what he found fun. Oh, my past self.
No more. That’s why I’m doing these two steps too! I spent so much of my time doing things that other people thought were fun without stopping to see if I found it fun. I know I’m not alone. We’d go along to get along, which led many of us to midlife wondering, “What the heck do I even like?” Well, that’s what we’re doing now. Instead of doing a thing because we’ve heard it’s fun or because someone else has fun doing it—a manicure, a fancy restaurant, a cooking class, watching a sporting event on TV—let it be fun for them. I could go on and on with the things I did trying to convince myself it was fun because it was fun for other people.
Now is our time to figure out what’s fun for us. Brainstorm. Make a list. Try the thing. Check in with yourself and see: was that fun? The things on your list are going to be different from my list, different from your spouse’s list, and different from your kids’ list. That makes sense. We’re all different.
• What did you used to like doing before you had kids?
• Before you were married?
• When you were 8 years old?
• If you had a day completely to yourself—an unlimited budget and no one would ever know what you did—how would you spend it?
Interesting to ponder, eh?
When I first got divorced and I had my first day to myself, I had heard of people spending a whole day in bed in their PJs, eating and watching Netflix. Well, I tried that, and let me tell you, that was not fun for me. Good to know! That’s the mindset I want you to have as we move into the second half of the year: curious (what might I like to do?) and reflective (was that actually fun?).
The Mother’s Day / Birthday Phenomenon
I’m recording this not long after Mother’s Day, if you’re not a mom, think of your birthday. There are certain times of the year when even us high-achievers give ourselves permission to do the things we want to do. Not what others want us to do, but what we want to do.
That was for sure me. I used to view Mother’s Day as the one day a year I could do what I wanted. I’d get brave and tell my husband what I wanted. Gasp! I’d say I wanted to sleep until a certain hour, go for a run, eat a specific breakfast with the kids on the porch, etc. I’d actually think of what would bring me joy, and then I created it.
If you’re not a mom, think of your birthday here. Maybe you’ve done this. You take off your “must take care of everyone else” cape and give yourself permission to do what you want to do. Does this sound familiar? Maybe you scheduled a massage, a coffee with a friend, sat in a hammock and stared at the leaves, or read a book.
Or, maybe you’re like younger me and didn’t feel comfortable opening your mouth and asking for what you wanted or planning a day you wanted, and felt resentment afterwards. Totally normal with the culture we’re raised in. And totally a sign that this fun list is for you!
And let’s get started, because giving ourselves permission to have fun one or two days a year is not enough. Do you know we are worthy of fun and lighthearted living every single day of our life?!
This podcast is The Love Your Life Show. How to Find Joy in Everyday Life is my signature program. We have got to get better at considering ourselves, our experiences, our fun, and our choices. I’ve had my own near-death experience and also lost a friend way too early. Life is too short, and you—yes, you—deserve more than one day a year of considering yourself first before you’re back to taking care of everyone and everything else.
Not only is that a great way to increase your risk of dementia, heart disease, IBS, diabetes, and alcohol, food, or phone addiction… it’s also a surefire recipe for life dissatisfaction and pissiness. Been there, done that. Let’s flip it!
Breaking the Martyr Model
Instead of limited moments in a year to consider yourself and feel lighthearted, let’s start making your list. And yes, it will feel hard.
Recently, a woman scheduled one of the free consults I offer, and during it, I asked her what she did for fun. Like many of us, she looked at me like, “What?” and then burst into tears. She said she moves through her days doing what she thinks she should be doing—as a mom, a wife, a working mother—never feeling like she’s doing any of those things good enough. She looks around at other women doing the same thing, just feeling desperate, hopeless, and lost. When she thinks of looking forward to something, besides a far-off vacation, she looks forward to going to bed at night.
I get it. I remember feeling that way too for long periods of my life. I’d live my day thinking of the bowl of ice cream I’d have on the couch at 9 PM. I’d be thinking of the end of the day at 9 AM!
And here I am, someone who feels a lot lighter in her days and a lot less buzzy. So trust me—taking time to think of what is fun for you is important. Plus, it’s part of our rising up as women. Let’s stop normalizing the busy, stressed-out mom who’s running like her butt is on fire. Be different.
It will feel uncomfortable because many of the women around you will still be practicing the busy, martyr-type model. But do it anyways… for you and for our future generations.
What do so many women say they want for their kids? For them to be happy. Yet, what are we modeling? Many kids are onto us. They see us with the nice house, fancy car, impressive clothes or job, yet they also see the corners of our mouths facing down. They hear the stressed, clipped tones. They see us juggling 14 things, saying, “No, I don’t have time to play that game or kick the ball…” That is not exactly something to strive for.
Step 2: Schedule the Fun
Today’s a great day to start something new. Draw a line in the sand—commit to adding more fun into your life.
Step one is brainstorming the fun. Step two is scheduling it. Yep, you knew I was going to get intentional. That’s what I’m all about. It’s not enough to know what we need to do. It’s not enough to have a list in your bedside drawer of what you could do for fun, thinking, “Oh, I was told to write this, okay, I’ll make it and then put it away to find next year during spring cleaning.” New plan: it is about adding those things in, writing them down, getting deliberate, and starting small. But start.
• Do you like music? Turn it on.
• Do you like doing puzzles? Get one out.
• Is there a show you want to watch? Watch it.
• Do you like taking walks and collecting leaves? Collect them.
I don’t know what’s on your list, but get out a pen and paper and schedule some fun into your everyday life. On your Monday, on your Tuesday, on your Wednesday. Start modeling an adult life you would actually like for your kids and our future generation.
This isn’t about being negligent. I’ve been doing this for a decade or so now. I still do my work. I still get these podcasts recorded. I still answer emails. And I have lots of moments of fun each day because I schedule them in.
When I first started, it felt so uncomfortable. I had “take a walk after lunch” on my calendar. I’d be walking and feel like my dad was going to jump out of a bush and say, “What are you doing? Is this productive?” But I did it anyways. Now when I see “walk” on my schedule, there’s no mental chatter. I go, exhale, and enjoy. Ahhh.
This is what will happen for you too. One day, you’ll look up and realize it doesn’t feel so uncomfortable anymore. It’s so exciting.
Your Homework For This Week
All right, warriors. Two steps to how to have more fun, and both involve pen and paper. Use any pen you want, any paper—it doesn’t have to be fancy.
One: Brainstorm. Make a fun list. If you’re in our monthly membership or in the Warrior Woman Facebook group, go over there and share your fun list. Or if you’re listening on Spotify, leave a comment. What are some things on your list that you’re going to try? When we share, it helps others get ideas too—a sort of, “Oh, right! I do remember liking that.”
Two: Schedule it. Schedule it in. Even if you hear that inner voice saying you shouldn’t be taking time to do that on a weekday, or that it’s selfish of you.
Remember: you don’t have to listen to every dumb thought your brain thinks. If you want something to be different, if you want to be that lady on the porch, you have to think about things differently.
Life is short. I got into the business I’m in when my dear friend died in her 30s, and I realized there were no guarantees. Since then, I’ve had my own near-death experience. We know we will all die, but we don’t know when. One of the top things people say on their deathbed is that they thought they had more time. The other thing they say? They wish they had done more things they wanted to do.
The time is now. Make your fun list. Schedule it in this week. Not next week—this week, before the next Love Your Life Show episode drops.
I can’t wait to hear what you’re practicing and testing out. Thanks for being a part of the Love Your Life family. You matter deeply to me.