Hi, this is the Love Your Life Show with Susie Pettit, certified life and wellness coach. Join Susie as she helps you with your wellness and mindset so you can live a life you love. Let’s go warriors.

Hello my friends and welcome to the Love Your Life Show. Susie Pettit, life coach, relationship coach and parenting expert, here to talk to you about something most houses experience but very few people proactively prepare you for. And that is your young adult child coming home. Maybe it’s summer break. Maybe it’s a long weekend. Maybe it’s winter break or spring break. Suddenly the kid who moved out is back in your house again.

Yet newsflash: the kid who moved out isn’t actually the same kid who’s coming back again. It actually doesn’t matter whether it’s after their freshman, sophomore, junior year or after two years of working out in the field, the kid coming back is not the same one that left, nor is your house the same place they left. Even if everything on the surface looks the same, it’s not the same. Which is why I’m so glad you’re listening into this episode. As many people don’t stop to contemplate or listen to podcasts like this, and they go into the vacation or the long weekend or the, the, um, summer break thinking this sort of like yahoo, they’re back. We’re so excited to see them. You’ve missed them. You want to hug them, spend time with them. All of that is real. And it’s also super important to understand the dynamics of the situation. Or I should say, it’s important to understand the dynamics of the situation if you want to avoid drama and stress, because that’s what you’re thinking.

Yay! What do you think they’re thinking? I hate to break it to your mom a heart, but think back to you at that age. What were you thinking? Maybe you were thinking, I can’t wait to spend time with mom and talk to her and catch her up. Maybe there was a part of you thinking that, but what else were you thinking? You were also probably thinking something like, I can’t wait to go to my favorite restaurant. I can’t wait to see my old friends. I can’t wait to sleep in my own bed. I can’t wait to do laundry whenever I want. It was a lot of me, me, me. Hey, where’s for the mom or the parent coming home? It’s all on the kid. It’s the kid. The kid, the kid. Okay, so they might have mom or dad in there, but then they have a lot of other things in there too, and that is completely normal.

So today, let’s talk about how to make these visits more peaceful and meaningful. By the end of this episode, my intention is that you’re going to understand what gets in the way of deep and fulfilling connection. You’re going to have ways to avoid the conflict so you can have a great visit and also bonus—the cherry on top—lay a foundation for deep and connected future relationships with your kids. So excited.

So first things first, let’s get out of the Disneyland thinking if this is gonna be an amazing chocolate chip cookie making kumbaya conversation all around, visit. Okay, we’re sort of in this Disneyland of like, oh yeah, and we’re going to set some realistic expectations. Not to be Debbie Downer. No, that is not me. Rather to set you and your family up for the best possible outcome. It seems counterintuitive to lower your expectations, to be happier, but that’s the way of it. So much family drama happens because our expectations don’t match our reality.

So let’s start there. While you may be excited to see your little cherub again, this is actually a brand new dynamic. They’re not a sixteen year old anymore and dependent on you in the way a sixteen year old was. And they’re also not a twenty eight year old yet fully mature and responsible in the way a twenty eight year old is. They’re in that in-between stage. Their bodies look more mature. They may act more mature like in certain areas, more adult like. And yet your home is still their home. They’re still your kids in kid brains and parenting roles and rules still apply.

The framework I speak of in my How to raise confident, Resilient Kids class that you can get that at any time online at [smbwell.com/parenting]—it’s all online. You can do it. You can do it right now. But the framework I speak of in there of how to raise these confident and resilient kids, that still applies because they’re not yet in a fully formed adult brain. Their brains fully form between the ages of twenty five and thirty, depending on many factors. And trust me, it helps you a lot to remember that if you go into this visit thinking there’s still your kid that’s going to help you, that while they might look like an adult and they’re practicing being an adult while away, they’re not yet adults. Case in point to all of you, they’re coming back to your house during break.

Okay, doing what you’re doing, listening into a podcast like this, clicking on this podcast is so helpful. I’m so glad that you clicked play. Doubly so if you have younger kids or siblings still living at home who are doing the full rhythm of kid life: school activities, homework, early mornings, bedtimes, and then suddenly this older sibling comes back into the house with a very different rhythm. The clearer we can get about expectations and guidelines ahead of time, the better this period goes. I’m so excited you’re listening because you’re setting yourself up for success. And my first big takeaway I want you to understand is we get we we reshift those expectations.

And that clear conversation is kind conversation. Families who have a conversation early on in these visits have the smoothest visits. Maybe it starts with a convo on the phone before they come home. Or maybe it’s in the car when you’re driving home with all their stuff piled in the back. Or maybe it’s one of the first evenings they’re home, but it’s very soon in the beginning and it goes something like this: “Hey! You’re back. So good to have you here. You know, we’ve never really done this before, this is your first time.” Or leave that part up if it’s not, okay. But if it’s the first time you say, “We’ve never really done this before, you’ve had all the freedom at school. You were in charge of your meals, your laundry, when you woke up, when you went to bed, and now you’re back in the house. Let’s talk about how to set ourselves up so it goes well for all of us.” This is modeling adult communication: clear, direct conversations. And we have this even if this is like the third, you know, summer break their home and we say, “Hey, here we are again. You know, we may not start with like, we’ve never done this before, but you’re like, hey, here we are again. All right, let’s just quick go over, what are your expectations? What are my expectations? What’s going on?” Okay, model this stuff. Adult communication clear. Direct communication.

Clear is kind. We get into trouble when we make assumptions. Oh, they’ll know that I like this. Or maybe we don’t like conflict. And so we think that by avoiding a mildly uncomfortable small conversation, we avoid future conflict. Whereas, my dear listener, the opposite is true. I see it so often it makes me want to cry. That by we’re like, oh my gosh, I don’t want conflict. So by avoiding the clear and kind common conversation, we create the potential for more conflict. The parent has this assumption and the kid is like, but wait, I thought—okay, get it out. Let’s stop thinking and start saying, get the words out of your head and into the air so the other human can hear. Give them the benefit of the doubt because otherwise everyone is guessing.

Which brings me to the main thing to think about for your success in a closer relationship. The first thing: clear expectations and house guidelines. The clearer and more communicative you are with the guidelines, the better. If you’ve been listening to me for a while and you’ve learned the foundations of how to raise confident, resilient kids, then, you know, the three jobs we parents have, we still have those jobs. Side note if you’re like what? Get the Parenting Podcast roadmap at [smbwell.com/mom]. Because those three jobs don’t disappear when our kid turns eighteen while they’re still living under like, until they’re truly living on their own and no longer dependent on us. Those jobs are still ours to have.

You want a quick way to check if we still need to do those three jobs? Well, first and most obvious, if your residence is their primary residence, they’re still your dependent. Those jobs apply, okay? If they’re if they’re like still referring to your home as their home, more signs. Look at your bank account. Are you still paying things routinely, monthly, weekly for them—their phone, their insurance, their dental, some tuition or rent? Okay. If so, those parenting jobs are still active. This isn’t about saying you shouldn’t be paying for those things. It’s just saying that while you are, the best way to help them become resilient, evolved adults, not kids that are still holding on to Mom and Dad’s purse strings, are to have these three roles still in place, and one of the main jobs is creating structure and guidelines. It is necessary for their continued evolvement and confidence. It’s also necessary for the health of your home. But I do want you to hear that because sometimes we think we’re doing something mean. We’re like, oh gosh, okay, no, it’s actually in their best interest to give these kids structure and guidelines.

The mistake I see parents make here is they swing too far to one side or the other. They either become over controlling, their kid comes home and they’re all in their business with everything they want access back into every aspect, like the kids brain. What are you thinking about? What’s going on with your boyfriend or your girlfriend or your friends? Are you eating and sleeping in healthy ways? They’re like all in it, okay. Really riding over their kids boundaries for just personal autonomy in a way that’s not appropriate. Or they become under controlling, treating their twenty year old like they’re twenty seven and living alone in a condo with full staff. And we just happen to be there, like come and go any time, use the car whenever, eat the food that we’ve paid for whenever you want, however much you want—TV, cell phone, drinking, well, you’re on your own at school. So no, this is really unhelpful and unhelpful for them and for you. Not to say for any of the siblings who are watching. They are kids in adult bodies. They’re growing.

But what we want here is something in the middle, not the overcontrolling, not the under controlling, what I call the roller coaster bar parenting. You know, when you get on a roller coaster and the bar comes down across your lap, it’s not too tight or too loose. If it’s too tight, that feels disconcerting to many—like too much of my business, mom. Too loose—it’s like, whoa, wait. What’s happening? Where’d she go? What feels good to you and what feels good to them is when it’s resting. There was some resistance, so everyone’s safe enough to enjoy the ride. House guidelines are the same thing.

Think about it for a second. When you go to stay at someone else’s house, like I just got back from a break and like, what do we all do? Like I become a little detective. I’m thinking like, what’s it like in this house? What time do these people wake up? Do they eat meals together? Like, what are the expectations of me? How great is it when the host just tells you, opens their mouth and uses clear communication, maybe says, “Hey, Susie, we usually wake up and do our own thing in the morning. So help yourself to what’s in the fridge. We eat dinner together around six, so let me know which nights you’ll be here. Oh, and we like to have the house quiet and shut down by ten.” How good is that to friggin know? I love that sort of communication when I’m staying with someone. Can you see how that would be super healthy for our relationship, like our friendships and our all of that? Well, the same goes for our young adult kids. It’s better for everyone when things are clear.

So as you prepare for them coming home, think about the backbone of your household. Things like dishes in the sink, noise in the morning or evening, laundry, like use of the washing machine, dryer, curfews, guests, shared meals. These things are all part of living in a domicile together, and they’re all part of family health. Thinking about them ahead of time will help you so much.

If you want more specific examples of this or like with your specific situation, you are in luck, my dear listener, because I am running a free parenting workshop where I’m going to be going over the three roles of the parent, the five pillars of parenting, and anything else that’s going to support you in parenting your young adult. I help so many families put that all together, and I’d love to help you. And you can find out more and sign up for free at [smbwell.com/event]. I’ll have all these things in the show notes, as I always do, because I want to get on to the second thing that often gets in the way of connection. The first thing is not having household guidelines. It’s being like, you know, it’s being too over—not being the roller coaster bar parent.

The second is mismatched expectations about the visit. We touched on this earlier. Parents and kids are usually coming into these visits with very different intentions. What is the sweet little mom heart excited about? And the dad heart? They’re excited to have their kid around again. They’re excited to connect, to spend time together to talk. And sometimes, if we’re honest, there’s a little voice inside wondering things like, are we okay? Do I still matter to them? How’s our relationship? Did we make it through the teenage years? This is all very human, and these are all valid questions.

And also not why your kid is coming home. They are coming home to rest, to reconnect with old friends, maybe to visit their favorite restaurants and stores and sleep in their same bed and all that sort of stuff to have a break from adult like responsibilities. In reality, in most safe parent child relationships, your kid is not thinking about you or your relationship at all. And while that might sound like bad news, it is actually the best news. Do you know why they’re not thinking about it? Because to them, you’re a given. They know they matter to you. They know you’re there for them. Your love feels so secure, they don’t need to question it. You’re there. You’re like the background. You’re the houseplant. Mom’s there. Good work, mom. Their visit home isn’t about you. About seeing where do we stand, how’s it going? They aren’t hemming and hawing and having that little, like, “Do I still matter to mom?” place. Meanwhile, we parents are over here thinking like, I can’t wait to see how close we are. But your kid, they’re still in their own head. It’s all about them.

And as a parenting and child development expert, I’m here to tell you that this is developmentally appropriate. You have not raised a little narcissist, okay. You raise a narcissist—you want to know how you raise a narcissist? By not having house rules and guidelines, by letting them treat your place like a condo, with a with a paid staff and a maid. Okay, you don’t—them not thinking of you and your relationship and oh my gosh, I wonder if mom is nervous about this, that is developmentally appropriate and exactly where they should be. And what I like to see as a parenting and child development expert, not what felt good for me as a mom, okay, but that’s, that’s appropriate.

This mismatch of expectations—our excitement to see them and seeing what our relationship is like versus their excitement to be home, to let their guard down—this mismatch could be a recipe for drama if we don’t pay attention to this part of the podcast and we recognize this is normal, because suddenly moms are bringing their tender hearts to their young adult and unintentionally putting way too much emotional pressure on them, okay. Do I matter? Was I a good enough mom? Fair questions. Important reflections. But please don’t look to your kid for the answers to those questions, please. Not only does your young adult not have the life perspective to evaluate your parenting, but also they’re in a stage of development where their brain’s job is to notice the differences between them and you.

Their brains have a negativity bias, so they start with the negative. Their brain is primed to be like, what annoys me about mom? What did mom do wrong? What did we do? How could it have been different, how their roommate’s mom does this and their hallmates mom does that. Oh my goodness. If we’re looking to them to answer the question of am I a good enough mom or to fill our cup of self esteem, we are in trouble. We’re in trouble inside our head and our old confidence and self regard. But then also, when we get that needy place for reassurance, we start acting differently. We might stop holding clear guidelines. We might try to become their friend. We might throw some money around. We might try to be the cool mom in hopes of earning their love. Trouble trouble trouble trouble.

Who decides if you’re a good mom? Do you know this? Guess who decides if you’re a good mom? Is there a good mom judging this guy? Is—or is there some all knowing teenager God who, like, sits around? You know, they all sit around in their college room comparing notes and they’re like, “Yep, good, bad.” Like putting us in little piles, like Santa’s naughty and nice list. No. No. Guess who decides? You. You do. You’re the only one who gets to make that decision. Every single child out there, myself included, can—part of our development is looking at our parents, seeing what they’ve done and what we want to do differently. It’s not about being a good or a bad. There is no perfect mom. Everyone’s doing the best they can. Our parents’ ceiling becomes our floor. You get to decide if you’re a good mom. We are not looking to our teenagers for that. We get to repair and we get to hear what they’re saying and validate their experiences, for sure. That’s a whole other thing that I help so many parents with.

But this part of deciding who gets to decide whether you’re a good enough mom or if you’re doing a good job—I think that’s an inside job and something I love helping moms with. Because when you feel secure in yourself as a parent, everything shifts: you’re able to hold guidelines calmly. You’re able to enjoy time together without pressure or feeling like you’re performing. The relationship actually becomes more of what you want it to be: relaxed, loving, connected.

Looking at the time, let me wrap this up with two things I want you to remember. First, all the great things in life take work. Just like the gym—you don’t wake up with a strong core, you go to the gym. You don’t just wake up with a strong, connected relationship with your adult child, you learn the skills and tools to get there. If you’re feeling lacking, take my free workshop. There is nothing to lose—it’s friggin free. And another thing that’s free: pause to think about the house guidelines and expectations that you have. You have a really good start by listening to this podcast. Yet if you don’t take the next step of getting out a pen and a paper and thinking it through, you’re leaving growth there on the on the table. Thank you. Parenting well is not intuitive. It takes skill. Skill takes deliberate action. And I’m so grateful you’re the type of person that listens to these kind of podcasts. So go for it. And thank you.

And I said two things. The second things: these are simple things you can do that make these visits deeply fulfilling and set you up for a strong future relationship with your kids. I know this is possible because I have lived it. I’m not just a parenting expert on here. I’m not just someone who got my master’s of education and studied parenting and the certificates and blah, blah, blah. I have moved through this stage with my own kids. I have had the awkward conversations. I have felt the ick in my belly when they, like, roll their eyes. And even though they’re twenty two, they look like they’re twelve again. The “Hey, you know, like you need to be home by eleven on weeknights. Please text me when you change location.” And you know what? It’s all worth it on the other side. I double pinky promise you, it is the one paradox of life: short term pain for long term gain, short term discomfort in having these conversations and setting the boundaries for long term connection and love for you and health for your kid.

I’m so excited you clicked play, and I’m so honored that you’re the type of parent who does things differently. So many parents just roll their eyes and think, this is just the way it is—which it is for sure, if you keep doing the same thing, you keep getting the same result. And I promise you, I know from my experience and from helping hundreds of families with this, the opposite is also true: visits can be connecting, deeply satisfying for everyone involved, setting our kids and us up for success.

I am so excited for you and your kids and if this episode resonated with you, I would love for you to join me in my free online parenting workshop happening next week. And this one is online. I had one in person just a bit ago and I do them in person if you’re in my area, but this one is online, so this is good for everyone. In this workshop, I walk you through the three jobs of parenting, how to create clear family guidelines, how to build the kind of relationship where your kids actually want to be around you. You can grab your free spot at [smbwell.com/event]. I’d love to see you there. And I love you. I love that you’re the type of parent doing this work. Thank you.

Thank you for listening to the Love Your Life Show. If you want to hear more from Susie and support the show, be sure to subscribe to this podcast on iTunes. Also, leave a review and share this podcast with friends and family.