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Are You a People Pleaser?
Do you say yes when you mean no?
Do you go along with someone so you don’t “hurt their feelings”?
Do you apologize at least once a day?
Do you keep your mouth shut to “avoid conflict”?
Do you feel responsible for how other people feel?
When someone is upset with you, do you try to “make it right” even if that means that you go against your values?
Do you stick up for yourself when you feel you’ve been wronged?
If you say yes to any of these, you have some people pleasing in you. There’s no judgement from me though warrior. There was a time of life when I would’ve said yes to each and every single one above! Keep listening as this podcast will help bring you peace.
Why are We So Afraid of What Others Think of Us?
It’s usually a combination of the following two reasons:
- Worthiness: We grow up believing that we have to do or say a certain thing to be loved; that we aren’t perfect exactly as we are; that we need to strive for love and acceptance. We are taught to act certain ways, wear certain things, and do certain things to try to get certain people to think favorably of us or to like us.
- Other People’s Emotions: We think we can control other people’s emotions and thus feel responsible for their reactions when we speak up for ourselves. This messaging starts from early childhood. Instead of teaching kids that their thoughts create their feelings, we are taught that the action or circumstance makes them feel a certain way. A teacher may see a student frown and say: “You made Jenny sad when you took her crayon”. Just like that, the messaging is off and running! We know this is incorrect because of the thought model and emotional intelligence. You taking Jenny’s crayon doesn’t make her sad. It’s her thought about you taking her crayon that make her sad. She might have thought “Now I won’t finish my picture” and that thought generates sadness (and her frown). She might have also thought: “Now I don’t have to finish my drawing and can go play with the blocks”. This would generate a different feeling. The important piece here is to remind our adult selves how our belief that we control some aspect of people’s emotions is incorrect
These two reasons, that we have to act a certain way to be accepted and that we are in charge of what others think, lead us to this crazy land of people pleasing. We drag our family to some BBQ because we think we “should” go. We eat a brownie that someone made so “they don’t feel bad”. We go to events because of “what people will think”? Uh, hello…is it in your family’s best interest to go to the BBQ? How do you feel after eating the brownie? Do you feel like going to whatever event it is that you are debating going to?
Half the time we are twisting and conforming to please someone we don’t even like. Seriously, why do we care what that person thinks? Why is that person’s opinion of us more important than our opinion of us???
Why Do We Pretend To Be Something We Aren’t?
How much energy do you spend twisting, molding and conforming ourselves into a self that isn’t authentic? Another word for people pleasers? People deceivers!! (Thank you Kara Loewentheil, J.D.) I love using the “People Deceiving” term for what we’re doing as saying we’re “People Pleasing” sounds too nice. Like we’re being kind to the other person. It’s actually not kind to them or to you!
We are truly walking around pretending to be something we’re not. Putting an incorrect image out of ourselves. When I am not truthful about my wants, needs, and desires I twist myself into some odd, inauthentic version of myself. If that person then ends up liking or approving of that version of me, they’re not liking or approving me. They’re liking or approving of some twisted, odd, pretend version of me.
How helpful is that in forming close connected relationships? Even worse is what it does to our own self confidence and self image. [tweetshare tweet=”When we put others needs, wants, and desires before our own, we send a message to ourselves that our needs, wants, and desires aren’t as important. ” username=”SusieBarolo”]
Hasn’t this been done enough in society already? Having others decide if certain races or sexes wants, needs, and desires matter more than others? As a woman, I’m eager to draw a line in the sand and reverse that. To have each and every one of us find peace and strength in knowing that we matter. Woman, man, black, white. The universe doesn’t make duplicates.
Line In The Sand
When we become honest about what we want and what we need, we allow others to choose whether to be in a relationship with our true being or not. Isn’t that what we want? For the people whom we’re in relationship with to be in relationship with our true selves? You are here for a reason. Twisting, morphing or denying your true self does not move our society forward.
As someone who spent 35 years being a fake version of myself, I promise small shifts in your actions can make a big difference. I also promise that life as a recovered people pleaser feels GRAND! I feel peace and calm. It feels EASY! I don’ have to “remember” how to act around one group or another. It boosts my confidence. I send a message to myself each and every day that I am worthy and that I matter.
I can walk you through this because I’ve been through this. Let’s focus in on where you’re hiding your awesomeness this week. Where are you pretending to be something you’re not? Where can you start showing pieces of your awesomeness? Could you start saying yes when you mean yes and saying no when you mean no. Letting others think what they may knowing that the world needs you dear one. I can’t wait to feel your light shine.
I’ll finish with a Susie- version of a favorite quote:
You can be the juiciest, ripest peach in the world but there will always be someone who doesn’t like peaches. Does that mean there’s something wrong with the peach? If someone doesn’t like you, does that mean there’s something wrong with you??!? You know my answer warrior: HELL NO!
The first step to anything is awareness. Where in your life are you hiding your true juiciness? Why?
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