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Breaking the Cycle of Anxiety: Insights from Tami Kiekhaefer, LCSW
Anxiety can feel overwhelming, especially when it’s influenced by past experiences, family roles, and the uncertainty of the world around us. In my conversation with Tami Kiekhaefer, LCSW, we explored the roots of anxiety, how it affects confidence, and what we can do to break free from its grip.
How Childhood and Family Roles Shape Anxiety and Confidence
Our early experiences play a powerful role in shaping how we respond to stress and uncertainty. Tami explained that the roles we take on in childhood—such as the caretaker, the hero, or the peacemaker—often follow us into adulthood, influencing our confidence and anxiety levels. If we grew up in an environment where we felt responsible for others’ emotions, we might struggle with anxiety today, always feeling like we need to fix things or keep the peace.
The Link Between Anxiety and Self-Confidence
Many people don’t realize that anxiety and self-confidence are deeply connected. When we lack confidence in our ability to handle life’s challenges, anxiety takes over. We worry about making the wrong choices, disappointing others, or not being good enough. By working on self-trust and resilience, we can begin to quiet those anxious thoughts and step into a more confident version of ourselves. 
Faith versus Fear Mindset
Longtime listeners of the Love Your Life Show might better understand Susie’s framework of faith versus fear. Imagine this scenario: Your adult child asks if she can move back in the family home for a year while she saves money for an apartment. You say: “Sure. And part of living here means you’ll be paying monthly rent of X dollars”. If you are thinking about how parenting research shows kids do best when they have clearly stated expectations and guidelines, you’ll feel confident in telling your child about the rent. If you’re thinking “Oh my gosh am I doing the right thing?” you’ll feel doubt and uncertainty. Faith versus fear. If you want more examples, come to a coaching class in the Love Your Life School. Or email Susie your specific situation and she can help you step into faith over fear.
When we act from a feeling of faith (eg “I’m doing the right thing”) we feel confident. However, when we act from a feeling of fear (“Am I doing the right thing?”), we feel self-doubt.
How to Break the Cycle of Anxiety
There are two main reasons we feel anxious. We have fear about what’s going to happen in the future and/or we feel out of control. Fear or lack of control.
And while we don’t have control over things happening outside of us, like other people’s actions or world events, we always have control over what we think about those things. Which as you know with the thought model, those thoughts drive our feelings and actions. Anxiety expert Tami Kiekhaefer suggests focusing on what we can control: our thoughts, our reactions, and the way we care for ourselves.
What can you control?
Since there’s so much happening in the world and in our relationships that we can’t control, Tami and Susie suggest you focus on what you can control. Further, instead of trying to eliminate anxiety, we can learn to manage it. That means allowing ourselves to feel anxious without panicking about it. Anxiety isn’t something we have to fight—it’s something we can navigate with self-awareness, self-compassion, and effective coping strategies. Listen in to this episode to learn specific things you can do to support yourself when feeling anxious.
The Five Family Roles and Their Lasting Impact
Tami also highlighted five common family roles that shape our adult relationships and anxiety patterns. We did a super quick overview of them and if you want an entire podcast episode on this, let me know by emailing me or messaging me on Instagram:
The Hero – The overachiever who seeks approval through perfectionism.
The Caretaker – The one who puts everyone else’s needs first, often at the cost of their own well-being.
The Scapegoat – The person who acts out or takes the blame for family dysfunction. Sometimes called the rebel.
The Lost Child – The quiet, independent one who avoids conflict by withdrawing. This child can feel invisible, like no one cares and find it difficult to understand s/he has needs too.
The Mascot – The one who uses humor to deflect from deeper emotional struggles.
Understanding our role leads to self understanding and can be a part of our self development journey. For me, knowing which role (or two) I fell in helps me recognize my patterns so I can choose differently and not keep repeating old relationship patterns.
Finding Relief and Reclaiming Your Power
This conversation with Tami was packed with practical tools for anyone struggling with anxiety, past childhood trauma, low confidence, family relationship struggles, and codependent behaviors. I hope that listening to this conversation with two anxiety experts can help you feel more calm and in control of your current situation. We work on these things every day in the Love Your Life School and in my one-on-one sessions. If you don’t have a coach yet, I’d love to be yours.
➡️ See if I have room on my one-on-one calendar here
➡️ Join the Love Your Life School today
Above all else warrior, I’d love it if you could realize that anxiety happens. It is a normal part of our human experience. You are not broken, alone or in need of massive medical intervention (same goes for your teen or child). Further, you’re not powerless. By recognizing where our anxiety comes from, shifting our focus to what we can control, and allowing ourselves to feel without judgment, we can start to break free.
Anxiety doesn’t have to run your life. It’s time to take back your power, trust yourself, and move forward with confidence.
If you found this helpful, don’t miss the full episode on the Love Your Life Show.
Who is Tami Kiekhaefer
Tami Kiekhaefer, LCSW has operated a successful psychotherapy practice since 2002. She provides individual, family and couples therapy around anxiety, depression, domestic violence, trauma, relationships, and empowerment. She has taught workshops and spoken on podcasts guiding people to gain awareness of what is not working in their lives while offering strategies to gain a sense of internal control.
Tami is a certified yoga instructor and weaves concepts of holistic therapy into her clinical work. Combining a body, mind, soul approach, she addresses every angle crucial for stability and peace.
Her first book provides hand-on tools required to work through the past, stabilize the present and prepare for a loving relationship. Having experienced her share of heartbreak, Tami’s compassion with real life adds to the richness of her writing.
She finds her own tranquility spending time with her teenage boys, family, dogs and the love of her life, Jim.
Find out more about Tami here.
