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Rebuilding After Narcissistic Abuse: Steps to Healing and Self-Discovery
Surviving a relationship with a narcissist—whether it’s a romantic partner, friend, or even a parent—can deeply impact us as adults. Brenda Stephens, a therapist specializing in narcissistic abuse, explains that those who have experienced these relationships often struggle with self-doubt, question their own authority, and may lack a clear sense of who they are. When a narcissist treats you as an extension of themselves rather than as a whole person, it’s easy to feel unworthy and unsure of your own desires, needs, and values.
Narcissistic Abuse Expert Brenda Stephens
Brenda Stephens MS, LPCC is a group practice owner in San Diego, CA where she and her colleagues provide individual and group therapy to those who have been impacted by a relationship with a narcissist. Brenda uses a thorough understanding of PTSD and Complex PTSD along with EMDR and Parts Work (IFS) to help clients understand, and recover from the lasting complications of being in a relationship with a narcissist. She provides training to other therapists to expand their knowledge and understanding of narcissistic abuse which is uniquely insidious and cruel. Brenda helps clients heal from the abuse they have endured and teaches them how to love themselves, reclaim their identities, and create healthy relationships.
Healing From Narcissistic Abuse
A key part of healing, according to Brenda, is actively building self-love, self-worth, and self-esteem. In her work, she guides clients in learning to prioritize their own feelings and develop a strong sense of self. In this episode of the Love Your Life Show, we talk about what that looks like and how you can begin doing that.
For those recovering from narcissistic abuse, the journey often involves reprogramming years of internalized messages that told them they were “too sensitive” or that their own experiences didn’t matter. Healing is about redirecting that focus from pleasing others to truly seeing and valuing yourself.
Family Dynamics (what about that other parent?!)
Family dynamics play a significant role, especially when the narcissist is a parent. In these situations, children often grow up feeling they need to cater to the narcissistic parent’s needs while suppressing their own. The other parent is someone we don’t speak of often but in my own personal experience, a lot of my suffering came from their non-behavior. Narcissist specialists call this other parent the enabling parent. It’s important to note that that parent’s actions (or lack of action), reinforces the narcissist’s wounding. I’ve found that until I looked at how the other parent’s behavior also influenced me, my healing was slower and incomplete.
This is because the enabling parent reinforces the narcissist’s messaging that the child isn’t worthy and/or that their needs don’t matter. Subsequently making it even harder for the child to develop a strong, independent identity. Brenda and Susie emphasize that understanding these dynamics is essential to breaking free and rebuilding healthier relationships as adults.
Grieving and Narcissistic Healing
Finally, both Brenda Stephens and I emphasize the importance of grieving as part of the narcissistic healing process. Grief helps us let go of the idealized versions of the people who hurt us. Healing can happen when we allow ourselves to mourn the loss of the self we may have sacrificed along the way.
Path Forward
Nevertheless, to truly heal, we need support, boundaries, and community. Brenda highlights how, when we have had a narcissistic relationship, it gets into our “nooks and crannies”. It is hard (I want to say impossible) to heal on our own. I needed my coach and therapist to help me see where what I thought were regular thoughts and beliefs were actually put their by my trauma and past.
Next Steps
Which is why I created the Love Your Life School. I wanted a place where you could get all of the necessary elements of healing: community, coaching, and trainings. It took me a lot longer to heal because I didn’t have all three of those pieces. I’d learn something and get all geared up to practice the skill with my spouse or parents only to have a (well-intentioned) friend or sister talk me out of it. Since they weren’t learning about the dysfunctional behavior, they were uncomfortable with me doing something different. Here’s a great episode to listen to to explain this phenomenon that happens in nature too.
Save yourself time and energy by joining the Love Your Life School today. It is the best gift you’ll ever give yourself (and if you’re listening to this and the school is currently closed, please email support@smbwell.com and tell me you are healing and want support and I will make an exception and get you in!)
In reconnecting with ourselves, we reclaim the parts that were neglected and, step-by-step, create a life rooted in self-respect and authenticity.
Find Brenda Stephens Here:
https://youtu.be/7odnA95x34Y
