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How Lowering Your Expectations Help Your Relationships

This post is for all the eternal optimists out there.
It’s time to lower your expectations.
Truly.
I know you don’t want to and I am pretty sure you will resist what I am saying but truly, this post is from my heart with the intent to relive some of the inner conflict you feel in your life. 
I am a true optimist; give me a situation and I can put a rainbow on it. Possibly even with a pot of gold. 
Ironically though, this trait has caused me a lot of pain in my life. How?

Expectations Have Gotten Me in Trouble in Two Main Ways:

1. When I expect others to act differently than they always have in the past, or
2. When I expect others to act the way that I would in a certain situation. 

When I expect others to act differently than they have before, I feel let down, disappointed, and frustrated. Does this happen to you too? We want to expect the best of everyone and, in doing so, we forget that our definition of “best” may not be their definition of “best”. We forget that we are all different and that those differences are what fuels the human experience. 

Listen in to the Episode to Learn:

• How high expectations hurt relationships, 
• The difference between unconditional love and unconditional tolerance,
• Fun family game to strengthen relationships
• Effective journal prompts for self awareness and development
• Real life examples showing the difference between gatherings with unrealistic expectations and reasonable expectations.
• Much much more (and some laughs!)

 

Why Should We Lower Expectations?

First and probably most obviously, it’s easier for us! When you go into situations thinking people will act or be differently than they always have in the past, you feel disappointed, frustrated, or discouraged. Lowering our expectations allows people to show up as they always have without thinking it will be different. I define suffering as resisting reality. When I would go into family visits thinking my dad would suddenly have my back or support me, I would leave feeling let down and resentful. If I go into a family visit with lower and more realistic expectations like my dad will say critical things about me and my past, and he did, I would feel more neutral and less resentful.

Which leads us to number two reason to lower expectations: It’s actually kinder for them. I know, dear optimist, you don’t believe me but keep reading. You are not doing anyone any favors thinking your version of them is how they’re going to present when they’ve never expressed interest or ability to change. Afterall, how fair is it to expect your mom to not complain when that’s all she’s ever done? How loving is it to expect your mother in law to not micro manage everything when that’s what she always does? How kind is it to think your dad won’t over drink when that’s what he’s always done. Allowing people to show up as they are is the foundation of unconditional love. Unconditional love is about loving one another regardless of what they do, say, or how they show up. Love is not “I’ll love you when…” or “I’ll love you if…”. Those are conditions people and they set us up for empty relationships . 

Journal Prompts to Help You Have Healthier Relationships

Here’s how to start feeling more peace and calm at holiday gatherings (or any sort of gathering, depending on when you’re listening to this). Get out a pen and paper and answer the following journaling prompts:

• When is the last time you felt disappointed at a family event? What was going on?
• How do you wish your mom or dad were different?
• What do you expect your kids to act like over the holidays?
• What do you want the holidays to be like? How have they been like that in the past? How have they not been like that in the past?
• Where do you think your expectations are not linked with reality?
• Who annoys you at events or gatherings? Why?
• What do you wish your spouse or adult child would do differently? are you wishing others in your life were different than they are?

The lower your expectations, the higher your level of contentment and joy will be.

We can not control what others will do, say, or act. We can always control how we react. Let your mom be your mom; your son be your son; your spouse be your spouse. This does not mean allow people to treat you in an abusive manner. That’s a different situation where boundaries are needed and that is not what I’m talking about or covering here. Check out last week’s episode for support with emotionally immature or narcissistic relationships. 

When we drop our expectations from some lofty, fantasy world of how everyone’s going to act, we feel happier and calmer. It’s not that we have lowered our standards, it’s that we’re no longer trying to control how others should act or what others should do. This is a good thing because, newsflash, we can’t.

We can’t control how other people act, what other people say or what others do.  What can we control? Us. We get to control what we do, what we say, and how we say it. We get to choose which thoughts to focus on and which thoughts to let pass by. 

My gift for the holidays is to lower my expectations. This is a gift I’m giving to myself and to others. In lowering my expectations, I give others the freedom to be themselves. To accept them without trying to change them. To make their actions mean something about them, not me.

Cheers to a happy, holiday season. Now let’s get out those BINGO boards! 

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