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How do you feel when you think of spending extra time with your parents, inlaws, or siblings?ย
Do you feel dread, resentment, frustration, excitement, joy, anticipation?ย
There is no right answer.
You probably feel a combination of emotions.
The important piece is to be aware of how you feel and to get clear that thatโs how you want to feel.ย
Do you want to feel differently?
You can!
How?
By insuring that you’re not adding drama to your relationships.
By being aware of your role in the relationships and where you may be adding drama to your relationships, you can begin to feel differently.
Here are 5 Common Ways We Add Drama to Our Relationships:
1. We Think We Can Read Peopleโs Mindsย
Are you like me? You think you know what your spouse or friend or boss is thinking? I hate to be the confidence-buster here but did you know you donโt have that skill? Humans actually canโt read peopleโs minds.ย Yet when we look around, we sure act as if we can. These are not only things I hear around me and but that Iโve also said:
She didnโt call me back. She must be angry thatโฆ.
He never returned my email. He must thinkโฆ..
She cancelled our coffee becauseโฆ.
He didnโt offer me dessert because he thinks โฆ.
She told me not to bring anything for Thanksgiving dinner because she thinksโฆ.
In all of the above situations, the first part of the sentence is fact. He didnโt offer you dessert. She cancelled your coffee. He didnโt return your email. The second parts are all the drama we add to our lives when we think we can read their minds.ย
Tip: When In Doubt, Shout It Out
How to avoid this drama trap? Ask. Communicate. Be in relation with the other person in the relationship. Shockingly simple but often not easy. Here is your tip to use today to get out of โmind reader modeโ and into a deeper connection. Itโs called โWhen in doubt, shout it outโ (ie open your mouth and communicate). Here are some things you could say:
Iโm sensing that something is going on for you. Do you want to talk about it?
When you came home today and did that, I made up this story in my head. What was going on?
When you said I donโt need to bring anything for Thanksgiving dinner, my brain made up this story that you…..
Bottom line: You are not a mind reader. You donโt have that skill and itโs dangerous to your relationship to pretend you do. Other people donโt think like you. Stop. Breathe. Ask.
2. We Take Things Personally:
We add drama to our relationships when we think the things people do or say has to do with us. This is normal and does not mean youโre a narcissist but that you have a brain. Remember though, you get to decide whether to listen to your brain or not. Our brain tends to personalize events and then choose the most negative reason why things are happening. I wonโt get into the neuroscience behind our brainโs negativity bias here. For now, be aware of the assumptions you make, how your brain makes things personal, and take steps to free yourself of this drama.
Tip: 2 Reasonsย
There are multiple reasons as to why things happen in the world. When you find yourself taking something personally, actively and consciously stop and think of 2 other reasons why that thing may have happened that has nothing to do with you.ย
-When someone doesnโt return your call, instead of making it about you, ask yourself: โWhat are other reasons why they may not have returned my call.โ
-If your spouse snaps at you, ask yourself “Why might this be triggering them or what may be going on for them?” You can be aware that s/he is having an emotional experience but you donโt have to take it on as your problem.
-If someone cuts you off in traffic, ask yourself: “What are 2 reasons this person might have cut me off?”
Our brain likes to go straight to the personal: As if that person cutting you off in traffic has something against you personally. Yet, when we think that thought we feel anger or annoyance. When we use the โ2 Reasonsโ tool we get into a curious mindset and it feels a lotย different. Try it today and let me know in the comments how it goes for you.
The healthiest and most thriving relationships stick to the facts and question the assumptions our brains wants to make.
3. We Think We Control Other Peopleโs Emotions
These next two are probably the most common ways we add drama. We think we control otherโs emotions. We donโt. Itโs their thoughts that control how they feel. Itโs always their thoughts warriors. This is the at the crux of true emotional adulthood: Understanding that itโs not the events in our lives that make us feel a certain way but the thoughts we think about those events.ย
How might this show up for you? Do you hear yourself or those in your family of origin saying things like:
If I say that, heโll be angry
Be careful around Dad tonight, heโs in a bad mood.
I better clean up the house so he doesnโt get mad.
Make sure you text him so he doesnโt get lonely.
In all of the above examples, the person speaking is assuming they have control over how the other person feels. As if our actions make someone else feel a certain way. This is not psychologically accurate and it’s in our best interests in our relationships to not add drama in this way.
TIP: PAUSE and QUESTION:ย
Stop to notice when youโre taking responsibility for someone elseโs emotions and instead question how that personโs thoughts are influencing their emotions. Ask yourself: What else may be going on here? Or I wonder what s/he is thinking to feel that way?ย
Let him take care of him, you take care of you.ย
4. We Give Others Control Over Our Emotions
The other side of that coin is that we give others control of our emotions.ย If something makes you upset, it is because of the thoughts you’re thinking about that incident, not the external circumstance.ย If it triggers you, itโs about you. When we think anything along the lines of “he made me mad” or “she annoys me”, we bring drama into our life.
Itโs necessary to take responsibility for yourself, for how you feel, and for what makes you angry or upset. Being an emotional adult means understanding that itโs not what happens in your life that makes you feel a certain way. Itโs our thoughts about what happen that make us feel a certain way.ย
Itโs not that our husband brings us flowers, buys us a gorgeous piece of jewelry, or leaves us love notes that make us feel a certain way. Itโs our THOUGHT about those things that makes us feel what weโre feeling. You are in charge of the thoughts you focus on and thus, you are in charge of how you feel.ย
Itโs not that your kids leave their dishes in the sink or that your husband takes a while to return your texts that make you feel a certain way. Itโs your THOUGHT about those things that makes you feel what youโre feeling.ย
Being an emotional adult means you recognize that if it bothers you, itโs about you. #emotionaladult #relationshipdrama Click To Tweet.ย
TIP: What Am I Making It Mean:ย
When I am bugged by my partner (or anyone Iโm in relation with), my go to tool is to get out my journal and answer the question: โWhat are you making it mean?โ This allows me to become a โwatcherโ of my mind. I get to step back and see which thought Iโm thinking to feel the way Iโm feeling. Am I telling myself that him leaving his socks on the floor means he doesnโt respect me? Am I telling myself that him buying me flowers means he treasures me?ย Am I telling myself that because he doesn’t return my texts quickly it means he doesnโt love me?!ย
I love asking myself this question because it puts me back in control by allowing me to step back and see which thoughts Iโm thinking that leave me feeling the way Iโm feeling.ย
5. Thinking We Donโt Have a Choice:
Being in adult relationships means you have the ability to choose to act like an adult in those relationships. We always get to choose who weโre in relationship with. We didnโt use to. When we were young, we were in relationships and places that we possibly couldnโt get out of. No longer. We always have a choice and thinking otherwise adds drama to our life.
I used to feel a lot of dread and heaviness when I though of the adult relationships in my life. Why? Because the primary adult relationships in my life were strife with codependencey, emeshment, and manipulation.ย
What I now see is how I was bringing that drama into my life. I was telling myself I had no choice and had to do certain things and be around certain people because they were family or because I had chosen to marry someone 15 years prior. When I thought those thoughts Iโd feel dread and resentment. How would I act? Oh dear warriors, not great. I did not show up as the best parent or as a friend to myself. I do what I do so as to provide tools to you allย and hopefully demonstrate another path for you.
The people you surround yourself with and come into contact with affect your entire well- being: financially, emotionally, spiritually, physically. Pay attention. There are many long-term relationships where we tell ourselves, thatโs the way he is or thatโs the way we are and we move through our days sort of waiting and thinkingโฆ.what? What are we thinking? That weโll wait it out ’til we die? Until the kids leave? Until the other person dies? That we donโt deserve any better? I hear you. Over my life, I have had several relationships that drained the life force out of me. I am here to show you there is a better way and this is where to start.ย
TIP: Get Curious:
Open your mind to the knowledge that you have a choice to be in relation with those that you’re in relation with. Then get curious. Here are some good questions to ask yourself:
-If I wasnโt related to this person would I choose to be in relation with them?ย
-After I spend time with this person, how do I feel?ย
-How much mental energy do I need to put into managing my mind and emotional state to be in this relationship?
-Why do I continue this relationship?
Fellow life coach and author Christine Hassler speaks of Relationship Expiration Dates and writes about it here. If youโre holding on to some relationships that leave you feeling more drained than energized, this article may help.ย
CONCLUSION
So what do you think? Did you discover that youโre adding some drama to your relationships? Good news is, youโre in control! Emotional adulthood is having the courage to step back from what is happening in your life in order to learn and examine your role in it.
What do all these things have in common? They all have to do with our thoughts. This is the free-ing piece of this work. We donโt have to change anything external! By bringing attention to the thoughts weโre choosing to think, we can remove drama and deepen connection.ย
As you move into this holiday season, I invite you to bring attention to what youโre thinking and how itโs making you feel. You are an adult. You do not get to blame others for how you feel. You feel the way you feel because of the thoughts you’re choosing to focus on.
If you’ve been stuck playing the “blame game” for a while, this might be depressing to learn. I urge you to see the empowering ticket to life that this is. No one else can make you feel a certain way. It took me a while to learn but once I did, it freed and empowered me. I’d love to help you find that freedom too. Everything is possible.
If you liked this episode and you want more Susie, sign up for her weekly newsletter full of fun and freebiesย and find her daily on Instagram. ย
