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How to Feel Better in Your Marriage

Last week, I started an episode where I was talking about some of the big foundational ways that we get into trouble in our relationships. I decided to break it into two episodes because it is such a robust area of work. And if you didn’t listen to the first part read it or listen here. 

Peeling off the Code of “Relationship Manuals”

Ever feel like there’s an invisible rulebook controlling your relationships? Like, you know how things “should” be, but sometimes it feels like nobody else got the memo? Welcome to the world of “Relationship Manuals”! These aren’t dusty books on a shelf, but unspoken ideas about what makes a good relationship, both for you and your partner.

Think of it like a secret code you carry around in your heart. This code tells you things like:

• What kind of relationship do I want? Is it a big party every day, or more like cozy movie nights? Having fun together is important, but what kind of fun?
• What do I expect from my partner? Do they need to be a superhero, or is someone kind and reliable more your style? Remember, nobody’s perfect, so what qualities are most important to you?
• And here’s the big one: what do I expect from myself? Am I the type to shower them with affection, or do I prefer space and independence? Knowing your own communication style and needs is key!

But here’s the tricky part: these unspoken rules can sometimes cause trouble. When our expectations don’t match reality (because, hello, humans are complicated!), it can lead to confusion, fights, and major drama.

So, what’s the secret weapon to avoid all that mess? Writing down your expectations! Putting them on paper helps you see things clearly, like a magic mirror revealing your true desires. You might be surprised by what you find! Plus, when you know what you really want, it’s easier to talk things out with your spouse and build a happy relationship together.

Creating Your “Self” Manual!

Remember that secret decoder ring we talked about in your heart? It’s time to dust it off and create your very own “Self” Manual! This isn’t a boring school assignment, but a fun adventure to discover what makes YOU tick in relationships. Buckle up, future love champions!

Step 1: Values on Parade!

Think of values as your superhero powers. They’re the things that are super important to you, like honesty, kindness, or having fun. What qualities do you admire in others and want to see reflected in your relationship? Jot them down!

Step 2: Dealbreakers vs. Dream Dates!

Now, let’s talk about dealbreakers. Like the kryptonite to Superman, these are things you absolutely cannot accept in a relationship. Maybe it’s disrespect, dishonesty, or being a bad listener. What are your “no way, José!” boundaries? Write them down too!

Step 3: Communication Captain!

Think about how you like to communicate. Are you a wordsmith who loves deep conversations, or do you prefer showing affection through actions? Do you need space sometimes, or do you crave constant connection? Knowing your communication style helps avoid misunderstandings with your partner.

Step 4: Setting Healthy Boundaries – You Got This!

Imagine boundaries like an invisible force field protecting your happiness. They help you say “yes” to things you enjoy and “no” to things that make you uncomfortable. It’s not about pushing people away, but about respecting yourself and your needs. Think about what healthy boundaries look like for you and write them down!

Step 5: Ditch the Drama, Embrace Teamwork!

Remember, a healthy relationship is like a superhero team where everyone supports each other. Avoid getting codependent, which means relying on your partner for everything. You’re an awesome individual, so celebrate your independence while cherishing your connection!

Bonus Tip: Fill your “Self” Manual with things you love! Do you need regular compliments, or do you prefer acts of service? Understanding your needs helps your partner understand you better.

Remember, this manual is a work in progress! As you grow and learn, keep adding and updating it. With your “Self” Manual by your side, you’re ready to navigate the exciting world of relationships with confidence and clarity. Go forth, young love warriors, and create happy, drama-free connections!

 

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