You do You
You are responsible for how you feel.
You are responsible for what you’re thinking.
YOU are responsible for the health and strength of the relationships in your life.
It is the day after Valentine’s Day 2017 and, for many, this is an emotional day: Expectations unmet. Assumptions made. Partners blamed. Relationships evaluated.
I want to encourage you to pause and take a step back to remember: No one can make you feel a certain way: not your spouse, not a friend, and certainly not a bouquet of roses.
Emotional adulthood is having the courage to step back from what is happening in your life and to examine your role in it. Where are you bringing drama? Where are you expecting others to read your mind? Where are you expecting others to meet your needs (instead of you taking care of you and your own needs)?
I’m sure you’ve heard before that no one can make you feel or not feel a certain way. However, this is sometimes hard to remember because our society encourages us to believe the opposite. Starting in childhood, we are told: “You took Sally’s crayon and made her angry” or “sit with Joey to make him happy.” As adults we continue to promote this belief. We say yes to an invitation because we don’t want to “upset” our friend. We tell our kids to “make mommy proud and act well in school today”. Huh?! Since when can people get in our heads and control what’s happening there? The only way we feel proud, happy, sad, or angry is by the thoughts we are thinking. No one can make you feel or act a certain way. No one.
You are feeling what you’re feeling because of the thoughts you’re thinking
Take this awareness to your Valentine’s Day yesterday. You are feeling a certain way today depending on what you’re thinking about what happened yesterday. How can I prove this is true? Consider these two different scenarios involving roses:
Rose Situation One:
You and your partner are in debt and are working to shift your spending patterns. Your partner buys things impulsively. You have discussed the importance of saving and have been carefully budgeting your spending. What if he came home yesterday with a dozen roses from the fanciest florist in town? What would your thoughts be? How would you feel?
Rose Situation Two:
You and your partner have a solid savings account and spend your money responsibly. You have told him you would love it if he bought you some roses for Valentine’s Day. What are your thoughts when he comes home with a dozen roses from the fanciest florist in town?
Your feelings about your mate bringing you roses would be very different in these two situations. Why? Because of your thoughts about your partner and the flowers. The situation is the same: Your partner brought you flowers. What you think about his action is what is creating your feeling about it.
You do you.
What do you want?
What do you need?
Take care of it.
You must love yourself and take care of your needs before you expect someone else to fill in the void. No amount of roses or diamonds or gifts will make you feel loved. Your thoughts make you feel a certain way.
What are you thinking about your day? What are you making things mean? Where are you creating mental drama? There is a lot of talk about being courageous and brave in our lives. The brave move here is to act as the adult you are. Take responsibility for your role in your relationships. Where are you creating drama? Did you wake up this morning thinking: “He should have made reservations for dinner last night”. Stop. Why are you choosing to think that? Did you ask him to make reservations and he didn’t? Then address that. If you didn’t ask him to, why are you expecting him to read your mind? The thoughts you choose to think create your feelings. Your feelings drive your actions. What are you saying to your spouse? What are you acting like?
If this post rings a bell with you, please contact me. My clients have experienced tremendous success in shifting how they show up for their important relationships in their lives. The number one indicator of our happiness is our connection to those closest to us. When we travel from unconscious living to conscious living our lives expand. So many clients come to me at the end of their rope. They are “done” with a relationship; usually a relationship with another or their relationship with food. The are “done” trying to lose weight. They are “done” with a certain relationship (parental or partner). They tell themselves they can’t do it and they believe they are destined to be overweight or in an unhappy marriage. I help them see otherwise. They are on this planet for a reason and that reason is not to give up and play small.
Be courageous today.
You do you.
Work with Susie Here
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