How to Not Be Annoyed by the Man You Love
It’s been a tough couple of years for many in relationships. Some have said that the Covid experience has felt like a magnifying glass of their life. Serving to highlight what is working in our life and what is not. Definitely magnifying where we have some foundational sturdiness and also weaknesses.
Nevertheless, onward we go. If we are in a healthy relationship, with two people who want to work together towards growth, this post is for you. However, this post is not for you if you’re in an abusive relationship. If you’re new to me and this show, you won’t be familiar with my backstory so grab the podcast roadmap at www.smbwell.com/roadmap. My husband Paul and I have both had past relationships and marriages that were full of disfunction and abuse (emotional, sexual, and verbal). We hope this is not your current experience but if it is, please know the tools mentioned today are not meant for you. Schedule a consult with me or Paul to figure out your path forward to feeling better. please.
My Top Tools to Not Be Annoyed by the Man You Love
Here are the first five out of ten ways that we can grow closer to our partner wherever we are on our romantic journey. Make sure you’re subscribed to the Love Your Life Show or get my newsletter as I will post the next 5 next week.
Meanwhile, it’s helpful to remember that whether you’ve been together for decades or months, focusing on one of these five areas will be helpful for you. I’m a relationship coach and know there’s always room for growth and improvement. Above all please remember, it’s about progress, not perfection.
Healthy Relationship Tools
While these tools are not in order, this tool forms the foundation of our time together. Simply put, 1+1=3 means you take care of you and let your partner take care of him/herself. When you do this, your relationship is strengthened. You take responsibility to meet your own needs and your spouse takes responsibility for his/hers. Hello Adulting 101.
Subsequently, this is a hard truth for us to grasp because this is not the message we hear in society. We are told that we make other people happy or upset. As a kid I was told things like: “Don’t make your dad angry” or “don’t tell him that because it will make him upset”. Go back to the podcast on emotional intelligence and the thought model because this is not how the brain works. We don’t have the ability to put thoughts in other people’s minds and so we are not responsible for how they feel. They are. And you are responsible for you.
2) CCC: Clear, Concise, Communication
Communicate in a clear and concise manner. Are you like me? Do you think you know what your spouse or partner is thinking? Spoiler alert: you don’t have that skill. Humans actually can’t read people’s minds. If you have something to say, say it. Kindly for sure, but say it. Spending time thinking about “what he may think if” or “what he may do if” is a waste of your time and adds drama to relationships.
How to avoid this drama trap? By opening our mouth to ask and communicate. Moreover remembering that we get to be in relation with the person we are in a relationship with. Here are some examples of things you could say:
“I’m sensing that something is going on for you. Do you want to talk about it?”
“When you came home today and did that, I made up this story in my head. What was going on?”
Instead of making up a story in your head, open your mouth and use CCC.
3) Intentional Daily Connection:
If you are in a relationship, be in that relationship. Each and every day. What does this look like? Planning something in your daily schedule to connect. I encourage you to start small and to commit to daily action. Here are some ideas and things that have worked for other couples:
-Send a text to your mate during lunch (or if they’re in the house because of Covid, sit and connect with them while eating lunch. #techfree)
-Everyday before one of you leaves for work, hug. Bonus points if you hug for 30 seconds as research shows this aligns our heart and brain rhythms. Win, win!
-Walk together after dinner
-Pillow talk: Share 3 things you’re grateful for at the end of the day before falling asleep
The more intentional you are, the more connected you will be. What do you want your relationship to be like next year this time? How about 3 years from now? 10 years? What small action can you put into your schedule today to make sure that happens?
4) Love Your Partner Unconditionally
Did you see this and think: “Hooray! This is easy Susie! Of course I unconditionally love my mate.” While I believe many of us want to unconditionally love our mate, the reality is often quite different. Which can lead to us feeling frustrated and annoyed by the man we love. Since this post is all about how to not be annoyed by the man you love, this is a great area to investigate.
Most of us, have very conditional love for our partners. We do what I call “We love them if…” Meaning: “We love them if they parent the way we want them to” or, “We love them if they show us love the way we want them to”, or “We love them if they return our texts in a timely manner”, etc….
Obviously, when we pause to think about it we can see that is conditional love. We are putting conditions on our love. Unconditional love is choosing to love your spouse no matter what. You love him whether they bring the garbage out or not. Along with, you choose to love them whether they help you with the kids the way you want or not. Further, you love him whether he remembers your birthday or not. Ultimately, you choose to actually love them no matter what.
Your spouse is in your life to love. He or she is there as a companion on your journey together. I used to put a lot of conditions on my love. No fun. In fact, one of the easiest ways of how not be annoyed by the man you love is to love him unconditionally. When I choose to love my partner for exactly who he is, I feel free. Try it and report back.
5) Brainstorm Love:
This is exactly what it sounds like and magnificently follows the last tool: Take time to brainstorm all the ways you love your spouse. What do you adore about him? In my life, I get tactical and take action. This looks like me setting time aside at the beginning of each month to brainstorm my love for Paul. I get out a pen and paper and write down 50 things I adore about him. His hands, his laugh, his support, his calmness, …
Nonetheless, you may be thinking: “that’s easy for Susie, her husband sounds like a dream.” Truth? I feel love for my husband because I’m directing my brain to look for the ways I love him. You can do this with your spouse too. I could direct my brain to look for the things that bug me about Paul but what’s the point? Truly, what is the point?
Ask yourself: what case are you making for your spouse? Do you spend more time looking for the amazingness in your spouse or the annoyances? How does that leave you feeling most days?
Instead of giving you my next five favorite tools here I am pausing with a challenge for you to pause too. Instead of moving on to the next article, email, facebook post or podcast, choose one of these to practice today. Today. Hit reply or head to Instagram and let me know which one you’re practicing. Better yet, join the membership as we are spending this whole month working on our relationships and talking about how to not be annoyed by the man we love! Fun stuff! I’d love to have you in there. It’s an amazing group of women.