Learning the skill of loving detachment is a meta skill. It means if you learn and practice, it will change your relationships and your life. I do not say that lightly. This is one of those meta skills that when we are practicing this, those around us feel better, and we are all able to thrive. When we are not, the opposite is true.
Listen in to this episode to learn:
- What loving detachment is
- How to practice loving detachment in marriage, parenting, at work, with our parents, and in friendships
- What keeps us from being lovingly detached?
- How does our programming get in the way?
- What happens when we don’t practice loving detachment?
- What does this practice have to do with burnout, resentment, loneliness, and codependency
What is loving detachment?
Loving detachment is about letting other people live their lives.
You get to love them but you remind yourself their lives are not yours to live.
Loving detachment is about understanding what other people’s challenges are not yours to solve. These people may be your husband, your child, your friend, your aging parent, etc.
You are not responsible for everyone else’s lives and happiness.
It is about being a kind supportive observer when someone is going through something but not jumping in and fixing it.
Practicing loving detachment is the difference between empathy and codependency. Empathy is caring about how someone else feels and codependency is taking responsibility for how someone else feels.
Why do we not practice loving detachment?
There are many reasons why many of us are not practicing loving detachment. Sometimes you don’t practice because of one of the reasons or maybe it’s a bit of all of them. Here are some reasons:
- We’re people pleasers
- It can feel good to be needed and over function
- Our own emotional intelligence is low. We feel uncomfortable feeling our feelings. We sometimes try to control others to avoid facing our own emotions and letting them live their own lives.
- We distract ourselves with other people’s lives instead of looking at our life.
All these things are said with kindness. I’ve done them all. To mature, we move through immaturity. All of the above examples are a part of immaturity. The fact you’re reading this, shows you’re more open than most and (hopefully) open to maturing. You’re in the right place.
How can we practice?
Loving detachment has two pieces. One, the belief that other people have the authority and possibility to figure things out. Belief in them and their capabilities. I share a metaphor of a movie that helps me a lot. Listen to that episode.
The second part is stepping back from over functioning and living someone else’s life so they can have their life and you can have yours. I speak of how popcorn can help with this. Listen in. I have loved practicing popcorn parenting. Popcorn spousing. Even popcorn friends. I know you’ll love it too!
Choose one relationship where you feel resentment, irritation or you think they should be doing something differently than they are. How can you practice loving detachment with them? Please let me know. We are working on it all month in the Love Your Life School. I’d love to help you. This is deep and profound work. The work of a warrior. You are not meant to do this alone. We weren’t taught this in school. Hop in the school for a month so I can help live the life you’re here to live.
What do you have to lose? Aside from resentment, burnout, irritation, martyrdom, and frustration? Oh and feeling like no one understands or appreciates you? Well there’s that.
Come on warrior, I’m waiting for you.
You matter to me.
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